Lost at sea..

Something inside of me gets lost in who you are

Drowning in your presence I start fall

I’m trying my best just to catch my breath

From the weight of my heart that sinks into my chest

From every touch you send, it sinks a little more

Driving straight to my core

And reflecting from my eyes and into yours, I see an ocean of many stars

Glowing as bright as the sun can shine, radiating the glory that’s intimately divine

Because when I look in your eyes, I see is the best part of me

Escaping what the world has tried to offer me

And your eyes are like an ocean, and I’m lost at sea

Trying to be everything you want me to be

I’m a sailor who’s lost her tracks and gone too far

Lost myself in the beauty of everything you are

But there’s nothing more I want than this

Then to lose myself in the beauty of pure bliss

Going out with a Bang...

There’s only an hour and forty minutes before the great year of 2010 is over and 2011 comes rolling in, and I found myself sitting on my bedside, thinking of all the good and bad this year has had. I have definitely had one hell of a year and I can confidently say that I am excited to end this year and begin a new adventure. I have everything I could ever ask for right now and there is nothing more I want than to “start over” and have a clean slate under my feet. I have a few extremely close friends who I couldn’t live without and I have that someone in my life that keeps me going and is always there for me to lean on. I am doing my best to rebuild relationships with my family and mend all the broken pasts in order to start over, and what a better way to start than the new year… I have grown tremendously this year in learning who I am and what I stand for. I have gained the strength to let go instead of always fighting to hold on and that is the biggest accomplishment I feel that I have achieved. I thank all my friends and family for sitting by my side through all the thick and thin and helping me get through everything that has happened in the past few weeks and into the past few months; I am truly blessed with every life I have encountered. I realized that everything happens for a reason, and that I cannot change the course that my life has been set to sail. I learned a new word… a word that I now hold close to my heart: serendipity. Serendipity is the accidental discovery of something pleasant; it’s like fate, fortune, luck and one’s destiny. When I had doubts in my mind and started to walk away from what the world told me I couldn’t be because of a book, something came up out of nowhere and fell right into place…serendipity. When I least expected it to happen, it did. So this year didn’t turn out quite the way I thought it would. It ended in a way I never imagined and I am hoping that this upcoming year brings even more joys and unexpected pleasures. All I can really say is…Expect that unexpected. Happy New Year and bring it on 2011!

New Favorite Song (:

"Sweet Serendipity" - Lee Dewyze

I ain’t got no car
And I've got one pair of jeans
They’ve been stretched too far
And now they’re weak at the seams
I can’t say what’s next
And I got nothin' up my sleeve
But I don’t lose my head
Cause it ain’t really up to me

[chorus]
And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity

I don’t ask for a lot
No nothing more than I need
Because I love what I got
Don’t need to play the lottery
I just want to be strong
At the end of the road
I don’t want to hold on
I want the strength to let go

[chorus]
And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity

And what will be will be
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I aint gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity
Like Sweet Serendipity

Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination
Just see where the wind will take you
You never know when you're gonna fall
But I'm not worried
No I'm not worried

[chorus]
And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me

And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happend yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity

Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination

Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet
Sweet Serendipity
Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet
Sweet Serendipity
I don't know
Sweet Serendipity

Tonight.

"I wish you were here to hold my hand

To pull me near and tell me it’s all in the plan

Comfort me when my heart grows weak

Pick me up when I fall to my knees

Hold me tight when I cannot control

The tears that roll all the way down to the floor"

My heart feels distraught tonight, like there’s something that needs to be said. There are millions of “things” running through my head and not one of them will slow down long enough for me to grasp the whole “idea” of what it is that is on my mind. You see, I feel different emotions from each thing I think about and it confuses me sometimes. I am all together extremely happy right now, but when I think about each thought alone, and not as a “whole,” I become sad and a little unpleased. Some thoughts… I am unhappy being in VA right now and there is nothing more I would want than to pack up and leave. I was born into a family I am almost certain I was not supposed to be a part of and it kills me inside to know that I am related to these people. I can’t stand religion right now because of what it does to people – in my opinion it ruins them. I feel disgusted with myself because I can’t stand up and say what I really think to certain people about issues that are actually important. And finally, I feel so awkward talking to old friends who I used to run to because I feel like they have totally left my life and could care less.

"What happened to me and you I just don’t know

It’s like you pushed me to the curb

Made me take the blow

You told me you would never leave my side

You said you would be there all the time

…But I guess you lied"

I



Secrets - One Republic

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing that we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Sending it straight to gold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'm 'a tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, all my secrets away

The ending words...

I’m sorry I put you through all of the pain pretending to be someone and something I’m not. I’m sorry you’ve watched me go downhill leaving everyone I once loved to finally do things the way I see them. I never meant to pack up and leave the way I did; I figured no one would notice, or maybe they wouldn’t care, but I am happy now. I don’t have to hold up your status any longer, I can be myself without being mistaken for you; I’m not your mini-me anymore. I am my own person, not a follower in your footsteps. I once wanted to be like you, follow in your footsteps, but I’ve learned (the hard way) that making my own footsteps is better for me, so I’m done with you. I see your face get sad when you see who I’ve become, like you had an expectation for me to become more, but I have never been so happy and I’ve never had more than I do now, so don’t be sad. The changes I’ve made were meant for good, not meant for breaking you down and making you go through this situation once again with a loved friend. I am my own. I am free to make my own choices and do what it is that I please to do with my life. I have learned through this situation who is here and who has left. I was told to be open and raw with my life, which is the one thing I hold onto, but now that I have followed that advice, I realized that I lost more than I ever wanted to lose. Nonetheless, I will not change who I am for you. I have my ways and you have yours. I’ll be who I am without you, and you do the same. This is a post to help me cope; it helped me realize that I can be who I really am without hiding it from you. You, who have been there all along, and without realizing it, when you wanted to only help me, pushed me away from it all, allowing me become independent and leaving…you who I thought I needed around.

All I want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I, I just wanna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for St. Nick
I won't even stay awake
To hear those magic reindeer click

Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding onto me so tight
What more can I do
Oh baby, all I want for Christmas is you

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of childrens'
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me
The one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me, quickly

I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just wanna see my baby
Standing right outside my door

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you

All I want for Christmas is you, baby

About the last blog I wrote...

I don’t really know what it is that I am trying to say in the last blog posting… I wrote it a while back and it’s just been taking up memory on my computer so I thought it was time to post it. I haven’t really gone through it and made adjustments when dealing with how I want it to sound so it is in the process of I guess “proof reading/writing” still. Ha. It really doesn’t make much sense if you’re not in my mind, but they’re just thoughts that come up. I just wanted to give a little “glimpse” into what my thoughts are sometimes....at least what they were in the past.

“… No one forgets the truth; they just get better at lying. – Revolutionary Road”

Deceiving words spill out of your mouth

With no filter at all, it all comes crashing down

The taste of sweet revenge lingers on your lips

Where lies cover up the truth and now bury the evidence

Of a truth that hides in your soul

Remember the truth that was once so bare?

Thrown out there for the world to see you in despair

You held it high with not a worry in the world

You passed it along to the one in control

But your reality is now a hidden truth

Buried away, long gone, thrown back to your youth

And you hide it there as a past regret

Because you’re scared to see what might happen next

So there you go again putting on an act

Hiding the truth and claiming it’s not you

You who has turned stonehearted and numb to fact

Pushing the blame to get everyone off your back

So you mask on a face and hide in the past

Hoping this season of your life will not last

But the lies will decay and infest within your life

Leaving you with nothing left but a painful price

And your worries will no longer be about them

But where you will go when time ends

Nonetheless you send them away

All your thoughts and the only real price that was paid

You hide your shamefulness in a broken heart

And place on a mask, pretending this isn’t who you are

But as you live your life as one big lie

The world will pass you by and soon… you will die

There’s no good end with this path of yours

Withthe hidden truths and all the ignores

Buried away for only you to see

That this life of yours was not meant to be

No Title

We were oh so young, staying up late watching the moon turn into the sun

Hearing your voice whisper into my ears as the night grew older

The stars winked back as the night grew colder

There wasn’t a worry in the world when we walked hand-in-hand

Tugging on my sweater to bring me closer

And there was a shine in your eyes that reflected off mine

I remember the night when we cuddled up real tight.

Our bodies became two-in-one, we molded into pure perfection.

Chills ran down my spine as our fingers intertwined

I loved the view I had as I was holding you

So innocent and pure, such a child you were

But...what if

It has been a long and exciting semester here at Western, but I must admit I’m happy it’s over. I am looking forward to Christmas break, seeing my family and just getting away for a little while. I’ll spend the majority of my time in Virginia working with my aunt and getting opportunities to train clients with working out and making nutritional plans for them. Honestly, I am a little nervous but I cannot wait to be pushed to my limits and push people to their limits, especially if the end result is success. I bought a one-way ticket to VA and from there, after Christmas day, I am a free soul to soar wherever I please. Going off and having adventures is something I do best and I must say it’s easier to go wherever I please if I had a car, but I’ll find a way to make it back by the 10^th and during each adventure I’ll figure it out.

 I was talking to an older woman today and she told me that she was going to give me advice that would be helpful for the rest of my life. As I sat there and talked with her, what she told me is really sticking in my mind. She said “There are two words in the English language that we use a whole lot. The first word is: what. What are you up to? What are you wearing? What this or what that? She continued and said the second word is: if. If I do that will this happen. If I give you this can I have that and so on…” She kept talking and said, “Now the words themselves are not dangerous, but when you put them together you get “what if.” What if I did this then what would have happened?” The woman said “You will constantly doubt yourself in everything you do and you will always be wondering “What if” in every situation.” As I sat there I began to think that there was no good news from this talk and that I would just wonder my whole life “What if this, or what if that.” Then out of nowhere she came back and said… “Now this is what you have to do: You need to give everything you have in every situation and put all of yourself in everything. When you meet that someone, go slow and show them how much you care, spend extra time with them, care for them, and on and on, that way you will never wonder “What if I treated them better?”  Because you have already treated them the best you can. She gave me a few other examples and then looked up and said “That’s all I have for you” and walked away.

Now I am sitting in my room and I admit I have my “what if” questions running through my head and I think I always will, but now I feel like I can take that advice and actually use it. In all honesty, I don’t put in 100% of my effort in every friendship I possess, I don’t give everything my full attention and I don’t love people as much as I should. I find myself second guessing myself in a lot of different things and even before I make a decision I find myself asking “what if.” I don’t want to be the girl who constantly questions herself. I can’t buy confidence and assurance, but I can give everything I have in everything and if things don’t work out, then at least I’ll know for sure that it really wasn’t “meant to be.” Although, the “what if” questions will never just disappear, I hopefully will be able to slim them down by giving each situation everything I have, giving it my all.

Say (All I Need)- Onerepublic

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

'cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Yeah better than you had it

Better than you had it

I said i all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well until you get there

Go on go ahead and scream it

Just say it

Life's tough... wear a helmet.

You know it’s funny how much I hate relying on people. I hate asking for help and I hate showing people that I cannot do certain things on my own. When I think about it though, this whole semester I have had to rely on people and it has been the absolute worst feeling. I know it’s a pride thing, I acknowledge that, but I still hate it. I don’t like it because I feel like people are looking down at me and its showing people that I’m weak and in a sense I feel like a huge failure and extremely useless. I would rather walk in the cold than ask for a ride. I’d rather fail a test because I don’t want people to see I need help. I’d rather skip an event than explain to my friends why I cannot go. I’d rather not be in school than ask even my family for help. I guess I am writing this down because I am finding myself in another one of those situations where I need to rely on the people around me to help me get through this season of my life. I am finding my pride getting in the way of everything I do and in a sense it is slowing me down. I shouldn’t be prideful with things I don’t possess. I shouldn’t pretend I have my life held together when I don’t. I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help and admit to myself and other people that I really cannot do certain things on my own. No one will ever have it all together, so why should I even try and pretend…

Expectations.

There are so many expectations. People are always expecting you to do this or to do that; to be this way or act that way. You know, I’ve been experiencing a lot of this lately and I realized that I physically cannot meet everyone’s expectations. I cannot please every person I meet by being the person they want me to be. As they throw their “words of wisdom” on me and give me advice on how to live my life, all I can do is sit back and think to myself “who are you to tell me these things?” I have had the best moments of my life this semester and it’s because I have finally stopped listening to everyone’s expectations. I have pushed the weight of all the words thrown on me to the side and have finally learned to think for myself and live the life I want to live, the one life I’ve been given. I give off as much love as I can and I do the best I can do with the circumstances that stand in front of me each day, and if that’s not enough for people, I don’t know what is. For months, I have felt so guilty doing my own thing because so many people were disappointed in me and for so many people I didn’t meet their “expectations,” but in all honesty I can’t do it. I can put on an act for you and pretend to be the person you want me to be, but at the end of the day I come home and wipe it all off. I take of the layers of make-up that hide my true self from everyone’s expectations and it exhausts me. There is so much pressure that surrounds every one of us; pressure to achieve the highest grades in school, pressure to be beautiful, pressure to be “in” with the crowd, pressure to stand out, pressure to be this way or that way, pressure to be someone you’re not. We shouldn’t have to mold ourselves to fit everyone else’s expectations of what they want us to be. So many times I hear people talking about how they absolutely hate “fake” people, but at the same time they judge and ridicule people for who they really are and that causes us to slowly mold into what they want us to be. I guess I’m just a little frustrated with the world’s expectations for me. I tried to hold it up on a silver palate and I tried my best to be that person they wanted me to be, but after a while it broke me down. I don’t like pretending to please people. If you’re disappointed because you expect more out of me, keep it to yourself because I’m not going to change for you.

Today I got an “F you” letter…

So never in my life have I gotten a hate letter before but there is always a first for everything, right? I would have never pictured myself as a “bad” person, but today I kind of got slapped in the face with how “bad” of a person I actually am. I guess you can say I have hurt more people this past year than I ever thought. I have put myself before anyone and anything and made sure I was happy before other people were. I guess you can call it “selfish” and so that’s what I’ve been.  I’ve been selfish. Today when I got my first hate letter the first thing that I did was get defensive and push it to the side like nothing happened. Now, I am sitting in class realizing how much I hurt this person without even realizing it. I wanted to make myself happy so I did what I wanted and didn’t really think of the consequences behind my actions. I blamed my actions on everything but myself and claimed that it wasn’t “me” in control. In all honesty, it was my fault and only my fault. I made this situation happen and there is no one I can blame but myself. I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts on this. I don’t like hurting people and I don’t like knowing people are disappointed in me – it’s the worst thing anyone could ever tell me, that they’re disappointed. And today because someone wasn’t afraid to stand up to me and tell me how much I am hurting other people and myself, I was able to realize this.  So I just wanted to say “I’m sorry.” Sorry for hurting the ones I love the most. I haven’t said that word in a long time, “love”. I stopped saying it because I didn’t mean it, but now I do.

Never thought I'd see this day...

So… I have never been a fan of Taylor Swift but there’s a song I actually like. It’s called “Enchanted.” Check it out.

Lyrics:

There I was again tonight
Forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired, lonely place
Walls of insincerity
Shifting eyes and vacancy
Vanished when I saw your face
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

Your eyes whispered 'have we met?'
Crossed the room, your silhouette
Starts to make its way to me
The playful conversation starts
Counter all your quick remarks
Like passing notes in secrecy
And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

The lingering question kept me up
2 AM, who do you love?
I wonder till I'm wide awake
And now I'm pacing back and forth
Wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say 'hey'
It was enchanting to meet you
All I know is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Blushing all the way home


This night is flawless
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

This is me praying that this was the very first page
Not where the storyline ends
My thoughts will echo your name
Until I see you again
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you
Please, don't be in love with someone else
Please, don't have somebody waiting on you
Please, don't be in love with someone else
Please, don't have somebody waiting on you

This night is sparkling
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

This night is flawless
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Please, don't be in love with someone else
Please, don't have somebody waiting on you

Black Friday

So… I have never been shopping on Black Friday, but today was my first time. I always thought that everyone had a nice bone in their body, but I guess on Black Friday it disappears! I have never seen stores so busy in my whole entire life! Like seriously, it was insane. People were pushing and cutting in line and the stores smelt bad because of all the people who waited overnight and didn’t shower in the morning. Gosh, it was crazy…but I must admit I had a ton of fun running around, fighting the crowd, and pushing people out of the way to get what I wanted. Good thing I didn’t really want anything though. I just went for the mayhem and to watch people turn into animals over material things...Kind of my entertainment for the day. I did get a new pair of kicks and a sweet hoodie jacket. So my day was a 10 out of 10. Just thought I’d share my first experience with the world. (: K byeee.

Cha Cha slidee

I am sitting in the dark with just the light of the computer screen shining on my face. I stared at the keys for a moment and began to type, just anything that came to mind…

I can’t lift up my head because it feels so heavy

The weight of this world is too much to carry

I can barely find the strength to look up

I found myself crying out to God in despair

Searching for a sign that He is still there

I begged and begged for Him to hear my cry

I’ll admit to myself

I can’t run my own life; I’m too weak to try

But I realized I was praying alone

Calling out the name of a God not known

Lying face down on an empty floor

Every wall crumbled with the lack of a cornerstone

So I searched the sky for a God unknown

Looking into the blackness where nothing was shown

I fell to my knees and called out again

In hope that it was a mistake

That maybe He couldn’t hear me

Something must have got in the way

But the silence rang in my ears as the night turned to day

I felt enclosed and alone with nothing left to say

If God’s not there when I call out His name

I’ll turn my back and deal with the pain

All I hear is the ticking of a clock and the sound of the dog pacing back and forth on the upstairs wood floor. I don’t want to say what I wrote is the truth because it’s not. I just wrote it. I don’t really understand why it came out like that; maybe it’s because it’s how I feel. My stubbornness says “no” but who really knows the truth. At first I was hesitant about putting this up because it could be interpreted in different ways…but then I thought “I don’t really care what people think” so now it’s up for the world to see.

I must admit, I have had an amazing Thanksgiving Break. I feel like one lucky girl who has an amazing family she never even knew she had. Hope everyone’s was as great as mine!

[Words Spill Out]

Looking at this sight

Fighting for the right

To stay in control of you

Opening my mind

Gazing deep inside

Cutting the edge off truth

Only to see you sitting there deep in thought of whom you are

Waiting to feel the love you once felt

But time has gone so fast

Locking up your past

You suddenly lose thought

Reading in the dark

Cut open your heart

To the sight of who you are

Only to see you sitting there deep in thought of whom you are

Waiting to feel the love you once felt

Have you fallen too far?

Too deep to rise

Breathe in the night

Believe all these lies

Becoming more numb

Pain won’t overcome

The day will end

You have no time to mend

Sit beneath the trees

Whisper to the bees

Wrestle with the thoughts

Wake in a dream

Spark an urge in your bloodstream

Think twice before you act

Cut it open, let it breathe

Love will overtake the pain you let win, fallen too far was never “just a sin”

Nevertheless- Rest

Hey, where have you been? Where did you go?
Looking for innocence.
Shame is holding you down, selling you out
Won't you come back again?

Cause you've found a way
To go on for days pretending to live
But you are not okay, with all of that weight
You need to give up

Come now, just let it go

Let it fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left
Won't you come to me and rest?

Hey, I know that you're scared
To look in my eyes when you know that something's wrong
I'll wait as long as it takes for you to find grace
It's been there all along

Cause you've found a way
To go on for days pretending to live
But you are not okay, with all of that weight
You need to give up

Come now, just let it go let it
Fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left
Won't you come to me

As you are,

dirty and broken
With all your scars from all the unspoken
All the words that you wanted to say but you locked them away
Inside

Come now, just let it go let it
Fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left

Come now, just let it go let it
Fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left
Won't you come to me
And rest.

Derek Webb - Beloved

I've never really listened to the words...Pretty intense.

Beloved these are dangerous times
because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine
and the wind has blown you all over town
because there is nothing holding you to the ground

so now you would rather be
a slave again than free from the law

(chorus)
beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me

beloved these are perilous days
when your culture is so set in it’s ways
that you will listen to salesmen and thieves
preaching other than the truth you’ve received

because they are telling lies
for they cannot circumcise your hearts

beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me

beloved there is nothing more
no more blessings and no more rewards
than the treasure of my body and blood
given freely to all daughters and sons

Force: something that resists

Maybe I’ve been running towards the uncomfortable. Or maybe I thought I was running towards the uncomfortable, but instead I was molding into my old routine of comfort. I feel deceived. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what it is that I want and how I want to live my life day to day. I find myself riding on a rollercoaster of emotions that brings me up to the sky and then knocks me down to the ground a few seconds later. I see myself trying to attempt good, but I watch it all crumble to the ground leaving everything there is but good. I am not one to hurt people, but in the past few months I feel like that’s all I have done. I feel like rocks are filling up my lungs instead of air. I am finding it harder for me to breathe because my chest tightens up every time I think about my life and who I’ve become. It hurts me to look back and see what I’ve let win instead of fighting it. I have hurt myself more than I ever have and it was my choice to do so. I think it hurts more because I knew what I was getting myself into, but I didn’t care to look back. I find myself holding bitterness towards God and wanting nothing to do with Him and I have no idea why. Maybe I thought I was calling out to God and asking for His presence in my life, but instead I was really walking with Satan and praising Him for giving me my hearts desires. Maybe I’ve mistaken Satan for God, as much as I don’t want to say it, or however weird that may sound. I have been living at the bottom and loving every moment of it because I didn’t feel the need to get out of the darkness that surrounded me. I don’t think I feel “convicted” of my sin… yet, but there has been a lot going on to make me at least stop for the moment and examine my life yet once again. I struggle with things every day, and I realized that when I struggle with something it makes me question my faith. I turn away and live in it because I don’t trust that God is big enough to pull me out of that sin. I feel like I’m not good enough when I catch myself wanting to fall into the same sin over and over again or even struggling a little bit with it. I have been believing this lie that Christians don’t sin or struggle with certain things… So dumb because I have amazing friends who struggle everyday with sin and continuously fight it off and are amazing Christians and extremely faithful to God.

As much as I want to push the things going on right now to the side and trust in God and just run towards Him, I am finding that there is a force still holding me back…Maybe the force holding me back are all the questions that I hear the answers to but don’t really agree with, or don’t really like the answers I hear. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t understand how people can truly believe they know God, but in reality they don’t because the way their lives are lived out show they don’t know Him. How so many people can live on this earth but so little make it out alive; Good people going to hell…? Maybe I just care a lot about other people so I am mad at God for choosing me instead of someone else – makes me sound selfish, but I would give my place in Heaven to a person I didn’t know just to be reassured that they will be there in the end. Or possibly the fact that I don’t want the weight of being a Christian on my chest because I realized how much more responsibility I’d have to uphold. Maybe I am tired of getting thrown on the front line and fighting off everything that is “bad” in the eyes of Christ (as ridiculous as that sounds) and I just want to sit back and really “live life”. The force could be the fact that I believe certain things aren’t as bad as people make them out to be… Maybe the force is my own selfishness and stubbornness and spitefulness and prideful self pushing God away. Who knows… my thoughts are scattered, but I’m willing to share them with whoever is willing to listen… or read in this case.

"Fall Away" The Fray

You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away from your past
But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away
You fall away

Something I've done that I can't outrun
Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone

And you fall away from your past
But It's following you
You fall away from your past
But It's following you
You fall away from your past
But It's following you
You fall away from your past
But It's following you

[x3]
You fall away
It's following you

You fall away

Growing up

I see myself growing out of the “BA” stage in my life and moving into a stage where I want to be more mature and look more “adult-ish.” I have been thinking a lot about myself and what I see when I look in the mirror. I know that in the past I struggled with hiding behind my piercings and attitude to put on a face of someone I was never meant to be. When I look in the mirror now, I see a girl who wants to escape this image and just be herself. I don’t want to hide behind the metal and BA attitude. I counted how many piercings I have and I have 12. I feel like I have held onto this number for a long time and in the process of holding onto this number my mindset wants to make the number increase so I have something new to show off. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love piercings and tattoos, but I think I have went past the line of just liking them to being obsessed with them, as stupid as that sounds. I guess I have been giving it a lot of thought and I have come to the conclusion that I want to take some of my piercings out. I want to take them out because I am tired of hiding behind them. I am also thinking about taking out my gauges. It’s all an image thing for me I guess. I have these things because when I see people with gauges, tattoos, and piercings I automatically think “wow theirs a BA” and it’s something I thought I wanted…but I don’t. I want to be able to wear normal earrings without the hassle and I want to be able to dress up without having that rough edge to me because of all the metal on my face. Maybe I am looking into this too much, but it’s just a thought I wanted to share.

Just some picture from the weekend..

Me and Mike

Rachel and Me

Roomieee!

The girls... And the creeper (Caleb) in the back

Love them!

Hahah!

Any Other Way -Tenth Ave. North

We're just standing on the surface
Don't say alright, don't say I know
I promise it's not worth it

I want to know who you are
Even if you're falling apart
Reach in and touch your scars
And all the shame you  have kept in your heart

'Cause it's not enough
it's not enough
just to say that we're okay
I need your hurt I need your pain
it's not love any other way

Let's not pretend
Stop your parade
trying to convince me
That you're alright and everything's ok
Do you even know me

'Cause I already know who you are
And all things that kept us apart
So reach in and touch My scars
and know the price I paid for your heart

'Cause it's not enough
it's not enough
just to say that we're okay
I need your hurt i need your pain
it's not love any other way

A broken and contrite heart
I will not despise
come as you are
and I won't close my eye

I won't close my eyes
I won't close my eyes
I won't close my eyes

'Cause it's not enough
It's not enough
Just to say that we're okay
I need your hurt I need your pain
It's not love any other way

'Cause it's not enough it's not enough
just to say that you're okay
You needed my hurt, you needed my pain
It's not love any other way
It's not love any other way
Yeah, it's not love any other way

Real Talk.

I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. Maybe it’s because I have come to a spot in my life where I see the old me and the new me clashing into something different. I used to be strong willed when dealing with certain things, but I have caught myself letting go of the things I used to hold close to my heart and reaching out towards something else. I don’t know if I can call it better because my emotions and how I feel are extremely bi-polar and up in the air, but it’s definitely different. I guess you can say I’ve “slipped” into some of my old patterns and gone back to the way I used to live my life, but at the same time I really care about what I’m doing and I would like to say I watch myself closely. I don’t know how to put it into words, but I can’t seem to find the line between going too far and not going far enough when it comes to the term "searching." I see myself losing some of the things I used to possess but at the same time I feel like I am gaining other things as well. I want to say I’m trying my best and working towards, let’s be honest, the Lord, but in all honesty, I feel like I’ve let it all go. This isn’t going to be an easy blog to write, but it is something I have been giving a lot of thought and it’s something I feel the need to share.

I guess that’s where I am trying to go with this whole blog posting. I have been trying to not use the words: God, Lord, Jesus or anything Biblical in any of my blogs because I know it’s a sensitive topic. I guess I am just scared to say it out loud and really admit it to myself and others and I guess in my head if I don’t say the words then people won’t think of me differently. It’s like I have so much I want to say about how I feel on this particular topic but at the same time I can’t seem to get the words out of my head and onto this paper. I don’t have any good reason at all for why I have been doing the things I have been doing. I think I am just at a point where I want to admit how I feel to people. I mean let’s be honest, I know what certain people want to hear and I can pull crap out of the air most of the time so people won’t question me, but I guess and maybe I’m just saying this because I know what to say, but if you really look at my life, I don’t reflect the Lord. When I say certain things because I know people want to hear it, I feel fake and I hate feeling fake.  This is hard for me to type out and admit to everyone but it’s just me being honest. I don’t like being fake or fake people so I say screw pretending and I am just going to be real no matter if it’s good or bad, easy or not easy to hear or say. I am not writing this out and meaning to offend people because I know people have invested a ton of time into my life and I really appreciate it and I love it. I am not meaning this to be a blog about me not loving God or not believing in it at all if it comes across that way. I guess I am just attempting at writing out my true feelings. So many people are asking me where I stand right now and questioning me on my involvement and this is all I can say for the moment. I don’t even know if this makes sense when reading it back to myself but its all good.

idkkk

Sugarcoating: to make something unpleasant seem less so

Fake: a person or thing that appears or is presented as being genuine but is not

Synonyms: false, forged, phony, bogus, sham, an act, counterfeit.

Honesty: the quality, condition, or characteristic of being fair, truthful, and morally upright

Synonyms:  truthfulness, openness, candor, sincerity, frankness.

Being real: Not sugarcoating things and being completely honest

Synonyms: actual, true, genuine, exact

If you feel the need to say something say it. If you do something wrong, admit to it. Be real, not fake. Don’t hide who you are to please other people. Don’t pretend you’re something you’re not. That freaking simple…damn.

I feel frustrated right now. AFSKDVJNDEFSDV. That’s it for today.  

I don't really know what to call this.

Maybe it’s time to take a break from everything, to take a step back and run towards the open fields. Life is so short and unexpected and it is something we should never take for granted. To live each day as it comes and accept the challenge’s that are thrown in front of us. Don’t look at something and try to change the situation because you want the easiest way out, instead, look at it face-to-face and challenge it back. There is nothing too hard, to stressful, to complicated, or too anything to deal with, it’s all about how you deal with it and your attitude towards it.

I have been thinking about how I deal with all the situations going on in my life and I realized that I have been dealing with them the wrong way this whole time. I look at my best interest and not the interest of others; selfish of me, I know. When someone does me wrong, I want to do them wrong. When I am not “in” with everything that’s going on in a friend’s life, I don’t open up because I feel like I deserve the right to know about you if you know about me. When I see someone getting away with something wrong, I try my best to get away with something worse so I can “up” them on being a “BA”. I will go the extra mile to make myself look bigger because its how my mind works but in really I am not that big. I play out situations in my head, so I can come out the hero and I pretend people will remember me when I leave. I am trying to make a legend out of myself, but all I am doing is pretending and playing superhero with myself. I am no legend, no hero, no god, no nothing. I tell myself all the time that I put people in front of myself and that I make myself smaller and them bigger, but that is a lie I have been believing to make myself feel better about who I am. My goal is to look to people’s interest before I look to mine. To love everyone equally and actually LOVE them… Saying “I love you” will cut it anymore…

Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

This song has been stuck in my head for such a long time now and I cant help but turn the volume all the way up and sing along when I hear it. Haha

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are