Real Talk.

I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. Maybe it’s because I have come to a spot in my life where I see the old me and the new me clashing into something different. I used to be strong willed when dealing with certain things, but I have caught myself letting go of the things I used to hold close to my heart and reaching out towards something else. I don’t know if I can call it better because my emotions and how I feel are extremely bi-polar and up in the air, but it’s definitely different. I guess you can say I’ve “slipped” into some of my old patterns and gone back to the way I used to live my life, but at the same time I really care about what I’m doing and I would like to say I watch myself closely. I don’t know how to put it into words, but I can’t seem to find the line between going too far and not going far enough when it comes to the term "searching." I see myself losing some of the things I used to possess but at the same time I feel like I am gaining other things as well. I want to say I’m trying my best and working towards, let’s be honest, the Lord, but in all honesty, I feel like I’ve let it all go. This isn’t going to be an easy blog to write, but it is something I have been giving a lot of thought and it’s something I feel the need to share.

I guess that’s where I am trying to go with this whole blog posting. I have been trying to not use the words: God, Lord, Jesus or anything Biblical in any of my blogs because I know it’s a sensitive topic. I guess I am just scared to say it out loud and really admit it to myself and others and I guess in my head if I don’t say the words then people won’t think of me differently. It’s like I have so much I want to say about how I feel on this particular topic but at the same time I can’t seem to get the words out of my head and onto this paper. I don’t have any good reason at all for why I have been doing the things I have been doing. I think I am just at a point where I want to admit how I feel to people. I mean let’s be honest, I know what certain people want to hear and I can pull crap out of the air most of the time so people won’t question me, but I guess and maybe I’m just saying this because I know what to say, but if you really look at my life, I don’t reflect the Lord. When I say certain things because I know people want to hear it, I feel fake and I hate feeling fake.  This is hard for me to type out and admit to everyone but it’s just me being honest. I don’t like being fake or fake people so I say screw pretending and I am just going to be real no matter if it’s good or bad, easy or not easy to hear or say. I am not writing this out and meaning to offend people because I know people have invested a ton of time into my life and I really appreciate it and I love it. I am not meaning this to be a blog about me not loving God or not believing in it at all if it comes across that way. I guess I am just attempting at writing out my true feelings. So many people are asking me where I stand right now and questioning me on my involvement and this is all I can say for the moment. I don’t even know if this makes sense when reading it back to myself but its all good.