Force: something that resists

Maybe I’ve been running towards the uncomfortable. Or maybe I thought I was running towards the uncomfortable, but instead I was molding into my old routine of comfort. I feel deceived. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what it is that I want and how I want to live my life day to day. I find myself riding on a rollercoaster of emotions that brings me up to the sky and then knocks me down to the ground a few seconds later. I see myself trying to attempt good, but I watch it all crumble to the ground leaving everything there is but good. I am not one to hurt people, but in the past few months I feel like that’s all I have done. I feel like rocks are filling up my lungs instead of air. I am finding it harder for me to breathe because my chest tightens up every time I think about my life and who I’ve become. It hurts me to look back and see what I’ve let win instead of fighting it. I have hurt myself more than I ever have and it was my choice to do so. I think it hurts more because I knew what I was getting myself into, but I didn’t care to look back. I find myself holding bitterness towards God and wanting nothing to do with Him and I have no idea why. Maybe I thought I was calling out to God and asking for His presence in my life, but instead I was really walking with Satan and praising Him for giving me my hearts desires. Maybe I’ve mistaken Satan for God, as much as I don’t want to say it, or however weird that may sound. I have been living at the bottom and loving every moment of it because I didn’t feel the need to get out of the darkness that surrounded me. I don’t think I feel “convicted” of my sin… yet, but there has been a lot going on to make me at least stop for the moment and examine my life yet once again. I struggle with things every day, and I realized that when I struggle with something it makes me question my faith. I turn away and live in it because I don’t trust that God is big enough to pull me out of that sin. I feel like I’m not good enough when I catch myself wanting to fall into the same sin over and over again or even struggling a little bit with it. I have been believing this lie that Christians don’t sin or struggle with certain things… So dumb because I have amazing friends who struggle everyday with sin and continuously fight it off and are amazing Christians and extremely faithful to God.

As much as I want to push the things going on right now to the side and trust in God and just run towards Him, I am finding that there is a force still holding me back…Maybe the force holding me back are all the questions that I hear the answers to but don’t really agree with, or don’t really like the answers I hear. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t understand how people can truly believe they know God, but in reality they don’t because the way their lives are lived out show they don’t know Him. How so many people can live on this earth but so little make it out alive; Good people going to hell…? Maybe I just care a lot about other people so I am mad at God for choosing me instead of someone else – makes me sound selfish, but I would give my place in Heaven to a person I didn’t know just to be reassured that they will be there in the end. Or possibly the fact that I don’t want the weight of being a Christian on my chest because I realized how much more responsibility I’d have to uphold. Maybe I am tired of getting thrown on the front line and fighting off everything that is “bad” in the eyes of Christ (as ridiculous as that sounds) and I just want to sit back and really “live life”. The force could be the fact that I believe certain things aren’t as bad as people make them out to be… Maybe the force is my own selfishness and stubbornness and spitefulness and prideful self pushing God away. Who knows… my thoughts are scattered, but I’m willing to share them with whoever is willing to listen… or read in this case.