So I finally did it; I decided to start a blog and to be honest, I’m not really sure what I want to write about or how personal I want to be… I’m not even sure if anyone will read this, but it feels good to write and let things out so I guess we’ll see where this first entry goes. Ha.
I have been in school for about two weeks and it has been the most interesting and challenging thing all at once. I am getting back into the old routine of waking up early (actually going to class), doing homework, going to work, and learning how to juggle time with my friends and time for myself. In my head I thought this year would be easy. I thought I would be able to fly by without a worry in the world, but to be honest it has been the total opposite. I find myself struggling everyday to not fall into temptation that sits around every corner and every time I am about to slip that Lord reminds me of what I am about to get myself into. I try so hard to do good, but every time I attempt good it turns into bad and I just find myself trying to work for God’s grace instead of just accepting it. In my head I tell myself that I have to work for my salvation because I have never really gotten things handed to me; I’ve always had to work for whatever it was. The hardest part of this is remembering that it has already been done and that there is nothing good enough that I can do or have to do to earn it. That is what I love most about my God. No matter how much I screw up, no matter how bad I tell myself I am (even though I am much worse than I think), His grace is enough for me and His blood was shed so that I could live life and be free and alive, and because of that I am no longer dead to my sins. Although sin never sleeps and there will always be a war going on between the devil and I, I am excited to see where this year is going to take me and am super stoked to get involved with a new ministry.
Surprise…Some people know this and for others this could be the first you’ve heard, but I have decided to find a new ministry on campus. I love the ministry I was a part of (CO) and I think it’s awesome, but I don’t think it was meant for me. The past two weeks have revealed so much to me but most of all, I was shown how much I people please. I was thinking about it earlier this week and the only reason I do some of the things I do is because I am extremely insecure with myself and I worry too much about what other people expect out of me; I just want to be accepted. I decided that I need to search for something new and do what I think is right instead of staying in this ministry because people want me to stay or because all my friends are in it. I found myself going just because I wanted to see people, not to learn more about God. I see this pattern in my life everywhere… Instead of going to church to worship God, I go to hang out and eat with friends afterwards; I go to Bible Study to hang out and joke around, not to grow. Part of me wants to give up, but there is a string holding me up and directing me towards a scary path. I am going to fight these issues and although this road looks scary and unfamiliar I know that I stand on a strong rock and I will not be shaken. I am learning to trust God through this and am ready to face the trails that lay ahead.
No comments:
Post a Comment