I have always been bad at asking for help. I am stubborn and prideful and I hate admitting that I am wrong, but this weekend has stripped me down and brought out everything I wanted to keep locked inside – whether certain people saw it or if it was just revealed to me. I screwed up because I am human and I like to do what I want, but last night, I guess you could say I went a little over the edge. I found myself having to make one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make to a friend to ask for help because of something I did wrong. It was not only hard because this person was going to find out what happened but it was also a huge shot to my pride. I felt so small and I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. I felt like I could step out of my body and look at myself sitting there while I was waiting for her. I realized that I clothe myself in layers of everything that I am not. I put on an act that I am tough, that I don’t care about anyone or anything, that I am a complete hard-ass and badass, that I am fearless, that my life is great and that I am indestructible… but I’m not. I am the total opposite. I am scared, anxious, fearful, insecure, I care a lot about what people think, I break really easily, the littlest things hurt my feelings, and my life isn’t that great. Over the past who knows how long, I feel like everything I try to hold close gets taken away. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster that never ends with turns that throw me out of the seat.
Out of all this and feeling like things are being stripped away, I honestly cannot complain. As much as it hurt to call my friend and know that she was going to find certain things out, it was relieving. It felt good to have my pride ripped out of my hands; it felt good to land face down on the dirt and stoop so low that I needed to ask for help. It felt like the good type of pain- you want it to end but at the same time you beg for more.
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