Random Thoughts.

I have been kind of a slacker when it comes to keeping up with this blog. I thought I would write in it every day and in my head I was like “I always have something going on, so I can always write about something,” but then I realized that I don’t. One thing I can write about is the fact that people don’t really want to hear what’s truly going on in your life. I have people tell me all the time that they want to know what’s going on and how I’ve been, but when I tell them the truth they tend to turn a face towards me because they don’t like what they hear. I am not here to hide anything, but I don’t like seeing faces turn away. It hurts me to know that people may think differently of me because of a choice I make. I know who my true friends are and they are the ones who aren’t turning around and walking the other direction. I am just speaking my mind right now and this probably doesn’t make any sense, but I think this will be my last blog for a little while. I guess I just wanted people to know what I am thinking… And I am thinking that I am tired of people telling me that how to live my life. I am tired of being told I am running away from God to pursue my own desires and I am tired of people telling me that my life doesn’t reflect good things. Anyways, I am not angry or sad or anything like that, but I am happy. I see who loves me in my life and I love to see my friends being there.

As for right now, I am sitting in History – World Cultures class ignoring my professor while he talks about The Agricultural Revolution… It’s raining outside and I have to work tonight. I am wearing tall socks with sandals and I don’t want to go outside because my feet will get wet and then I’ll be cold. The current temperature is 63 degrees and I am wearing shorts. I am a little chilly and I have a cold- I can’t really breathe right now. It must suck to suffocate to death. My mouth is burning because I am chewing Big Red gum and I think it’s spicy. Burning to death would suck too. Rachel is sitting next to me and for once she is paying attention. I feel like today is a dream. I don’t really know why I am writing random things right now. I like the feeling of the keyboard under my fingers. Speaking of fingers, mine are numb because they are cold. Why does it have to be cold…. Some girl just sneezed and it sounded funny. I said “God Bless You.” I don’t understand why we say that when someone sneezes. I should probably listen to my professor. He is Nigerian and I don’t understand his accent. I think I might stop now. Okay, yeah. Have a good day people.

(:

I haven’t written in here in a while and to be honest I don’t really know what to write about. The last few days have been amazing and I am really enjoying life at the moment. I am excited about this weekend and all that it has to offer. Mountain Heritage Day is today along with a football game and then playing afterwards and tomorrow is white water rafting on the Nantahala! I don’t really know what else to say except that I am happy. Oh, I found out today that I actually have a place to go for Thanksgiving. Hahaha. I haven’t seen my Grandmother in a really long time, but as a family we are going to surprise her and hang out for a few days up in Virginia. I couldn’t ask for anything else right now… I am totally content.

Live your life, not mine.

There is something I need to throw out there and say because I have been seeing it a lot lately in my life when dealing with people. I have obviously stepped back from religion and God to examine my life and see what it is that I believe in; whether it’s giving my whole life to Jesus or not. I have been looking at these things and really trying to figure it out, but at times it’s hard. I stopped going to church, I don’t attend any ministry and I have secluded myself from a lot of people. This isn’t something that I am keeping a secret because I have nothing to hide from anyone and I’ve stopped caring. With all that being said, just because I stopped going to a bible study, a campus ministry and church doesn’t mean that I have changed who I am. I am still the same Lauren that everyone knows. I am getting tired of having people think that I am running off the deep end and pursing “bad things” just because I don’t have the same “religious views” as them. I still have the same morals and I act no differently than before. It just hurts to know that people think differently of me because of this decision. As Christians, aren’t you supposed to love everyone no matter what? Whether a person is following God, figuring life out or just living life to live, we should all be treated the same. I have not totally stepped away from God; I am just figuring it out. I believe in something bigger than myself because if there wasn’t than I wouldn’t be here – just trust me when I say that.

Another point, I want to make is the fact that we ALL screw up. Christian or not Christian – we all do it. I just feel like when I make a mistake it is a bigger deal because I am “away” from God and not close with Him, and I feel like people have been using that as an excuse as to why I screw up. To be honest, God or no God, I would have still screwed up. I guess with all this being said the point I am trying to make is that I am tired of getting looked down on. I don’t want your sympathy and to be honest I don’t really want your advice. Just let me do my thing – that’s what I want. You can stand back and watch – live your life, not mine.

Goodbye Good Name - Conditions

Calm down, listen close, and I'll explain your potential
You've got a lot to learn
See, you and me, we're meant to be instrumental
We are guardians in this world

If chivalry lives with the last man standing
I'm gonna fight all day

So let go, let go
You destroy yourself when you're someone else
And I know, like you know
You're intended for so much more than this

If you don't allow my voice to be the one you confide in
I'm simply letting you know
I'll be sure to be the one you collide with
So you grow how you need to grow

So little of you know your purpose of protection
While so many of you drag your
good name miles in the wrong direction

Warning: A little pissed off. Don’t read if easily offended.

I have never been so frustrated and pissed off in my whole entire life. I’m so stressed out that I actually cried about three times today. I had to take a break from doing this stupid shit and write down how I am feeling or I might say something out of anger. I am so over school, family, friends, god, drama, searching, and life right now. I want to get the hell out of here and be alone for as long as I can get away. Sorry this post couldn’t be happier, but at the same time I’m not sorry because this is a place where I can write whatever. Today had nothing good come out of it, not one thing. Best part of the day was going to the doctor’s office to find out that they don’t know exactly what’s going on and that I could possibly have mono, but they’re not too sure… dumbasses.  

Oh, today.

I was messing around with scissors while I was supposed to be reading a primary document for my history class yesterday and I started writing love on my arm. First, I should never play with sharp objects. Second, this was not intentional. It was making a white mark on my arm, kind of like I was scratching off the dead skin (sounds gross, but whatever) anyways, I wrote out love and I noticed that later that night, it was still there- red. When I was writing it it never bleed but it decided that it wanted to stay on my arm until today. So now, it’s still on my arm and it looks like I purposely cut myself. Now I am sitting here contemplating on if I want to make it stay permanently.

Million Dollar Question

Does God choose us, or do we choose God? And if God chooses us, then why does He choose so little? These two questions were asked by one of my roommates after she went to her Bible Study about a week ago. When I first heard the questions I immediately said to my roommate “We choose God.” She took in what I said and replied with “Well, if we choose God, then that means we are the ones who have to tell everyone about Him without His help.” I didn’t really know what to say so I kind of shrugged off the question and went on with what I was doing, but those questions have been stuck in my head for a little while now. I feel like this topic is a sensitive topic and it’s hard because it’s like predestination and whatnot. Were we chosen from the beginning? If yes, why were so little chosen? I looked up Zechariah 13:8 and it says “In the whole land, declares the Lord, two thirds shall be cut off and perish, and one third shall be left alive.” This verse has been stuck in my head and I can’t help but get mad about it. I feel like if God chose us than there is no use in us having to go out and preach about Him because He already knows who is going to heaven and if He wants that person than He will get them. Maybe I am thinking about it too much or maybe my thoughts are all screwed up, but I can’t help it. I don’t understand and I just wish I could. When I look at it even more, what are the chances that I was chosen to be part of that one-third? What is the probability that God wants me? Or that all the people I share with are destined to Heaven as well? There are 6,869,927,944 people in the world right now. Two-thirds of them are destined to hell which is 4,579,951,962.6 and one-third is in heaven 2,289,975,981.3. I just feel weird looking at these numbers and knowing so many people are going to a place like hell.

Although I am mad about the numbers and I am completely lost in thought I also think about how lucky that one-third is. Should we really be getting mad that so little are making it to heaven, or should we be praising God that He chose us to live with Him forever? Out of all the people, God knows our hearts and maybe He knows who would have chosen Him if we were the ones who chose Him in the first place… Just because two-thirds is going to perish doesn’t mean that they are not loved, right? God loves everyone; there is no one God can’t love. There is nothing too big for Him and there is nothing He cannot handle. His love is there, but is yours? Maybe that’s the real question…

Let it fade - Jeremy Camp

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

I am not me

I have always been bad at asking for help. I am stubborn and prideful and I hate admitting that I am wrong, but this weekend has stripped me down and brought out everything I wanted to keep locked inside – whether certain people saw it or if it was just revealed to me. I screwed up because I am human and I like to do what I want, but last night, I guess you could say I went a little over the edge. I found myself having to make one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make to a friend to ask for help because of something I did wrong. It was not only hard because this person was going to find out what happened but it was also a huge shot to my pride. I felt so small and I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. I felt like I could step out of my body and look at myself sitting there while I was waiting for her. I realized that I clothe myself in layers of everything that I am not. I put on an act that I am tough, that I don’t care about anyone or anything, that I am a complete hard-ass and badass, that I am fearless, that my life is great and that I am indestructible… but I’m not. I am the total opposite. I am scared, anxious, fearful, insecure, I care a lot about what people think, I break really easily, the littlest things hurt my feelings, and my life isn’t that great. Over the past who knows how long, I feel like everything I try to hold close gets taken away. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster that never ends with turns that throw me out of the seat.

Out of all this and feeling like things are being stripped away, I honestly cannot complain. As much as it hurt to call my friend and know that she was going to find certain things out, it was relieving. It felt good to have my pride ripped out of my hands; it felt good to land face down on the dirt and stoop so low that I needed to ask for help. It felt like the good type of pain- you want it to end but at the same time you beg for more.

I think the devil was in my room…. No seriously.

I have always had a hard time sleeping. I roll around and can never get comfortable and my mind decides to turn on right when I am about to put my head on my pillow. About two nights ago I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, but I kept getting this feeling that someone else was in the room with me. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling and I felt a little uneasy. I obviously turned on all the lights, walked through my closet and into my bathroom and checked everything out - there was no one there. I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me or maybe it was just me being scared of the dark because I am. I laid back down, turning to my side to try to rest and get comfortable, but right when the lights went off I felt discomforted again. This time I ignored it trying to fall asleep. About ten minutes later I caught a glimpse of a shadow behind me of something unrecognizable and to get the picture right… imagine someone pulling the top layer of your blanket off of you when you are sleeping and quickly tucking it under their arm ( it looked like that) anyways… I saw the shadow and as I slowly turned around I saw it pulling something away like it was taking something out of me (like what I just described) and then it disappeared. All of the sudden I got this feeling of emptiness. I have never had anything like this happen before but I felt bare and empty. I turned the lights on again right after it happened and nothing was there, but whatever it was, it left me feeling empty and obviously a little anxious. I tried to sleep that night but after that incident, every time I laid my head on my pillow I felt completely lost… almost like I was falling and spinning out of control.

This probably wasn’t what you were expecting and usually I would keep this to myself, but it was just so weird and I wanted to share. I promise something happy will come next!

I’ve never seen Satan work so hard… God must have big plans.

I feel him on the back of my neck

Sucking the life out of me

Slowly dragging me down

This world is a living hell

Eating at me everyday

Breaking me down and tearing me apart

Telling me that I’ve fallen too far

I am in so deep that I’m scared to look up

Because I know the memories still linger

Of a girl who once stood strong

Of a life once lived and a girl once known

But that girl is long gone

She’s fallen too far from love

Pushed her pain to the side

Resisting God

To preside her own life

She will keep on digging until she hits rock bottom

Until her shovel gets stuck and her hell gets hotter

It is then she will realize that life is not a game

That the love is still there and will always remain

But her knuckles are white from gripping so tight

Holding onto the faint memory she’s left behind

Letting go of her life she begins to run

Fighting to hold on

Her fingers slip and she’s losing grip

She has fallen too far from love

It’s a faint memory she left behind

A world she knew and faces once recognized

Turning a blind eye to all

And out of spite she lets it go

The hole is getting bigger but she continues to dig deeper

Until the shovel gets stuck and her hell gets hotter

It is then she will realize that life is not a game

That the love is still there and will always remain

And the truth of it is that we are still just kids. But we'll tear the world wide open.

“My hands are torn open and my fingers are bloody but I am not giving up.” This is the thought I have when it comes to rock climbing. Have you ever worked really hard on something that took you a long time to get? I have. I get this overwhelming feeling of accomplishment when I finally get to the end of a problem. After all of the sweat and blood I poured over something, I feel like I have almost done something impossible. Call it whatever you’d like, but it keeps me going on a high that is indescribable. Right now I am in the state of figuring it out. I am upside down hanging on with all I have, I try for each hold and every time I jump for a new hand hold I slip. I fall and I feel defeated, but I don’t give up. My legs are shaking and my arms are weak, but I keep pushing myself until I get one step closer to the end. It may take a while, but I know that each day is a new day and one day I will finally get to the end and feel that feeling again. Until then I will jump and hang on with all I have.

Now what I wrote is the true feelings as to how I feel when rock climbing, but I feel like it could be related to someone I know. I have a friend and no matter how much is put in front of her she never gives up on chasing after God. She will be beaten down to the ground dealing with more than the average person has to deal with but she never lets go. She holds onto what she knows and runs with it getting a step closer every day, even when she can’t see it. She jumps for God stretching out her arms and running towards him with everything she has. When she falls she doesn’t give up but she looks up and goes after him again. She gets weak and tired and when she thinks of giving up she doesn’t. She holds on and doesn’t let go.

Sometimes I wish I felt this way about everything. I wish I wouldn’t give up on anything and I wish I would fight until the end…but, I tend to start things that I cannot finish. I dig myself a hole and wonder why I am in so deep. I make promises that I can’t keep and I am extremely good at giving up. I don’t like getting myself into hard situations and I hate feeling uncomfortable. I let go of people when they push me too hard and I don’t bother looking back. I end relationships when I am hurt and I hold onto grudges longer than I should. I am young and I am still learning to live life. I really have no excuses for what I do; I just do what I feel like doing.

What Faith Can Do - Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

I'm not the one - 3OH!3

You’re way too young to be broken.
You’re way too young to fall apart.
You’re way too young to play these games,
But you better start,
But you better start.

This is when it starts,
From the beating of your heart
Till the streetlamps talk to you.

Jumping off of the edge,
Oversleeping your head,
Everything’s turning dark to you.

I went to pick up the parts,
The doctor’s hiding the charts,
He won’t let me see this side of you.

It’s on the tip of my tongue,
You know you’re way too young
To have someone lie to you.

I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
You’d better find somebody else and get a hold of yourself.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.

You’re way too young to be broken.
You’re way too young to fall apart.
You’re way too young to play these games,
But you’d better start,
But you’d better start.

It was the second I lit
Your first cigarette,
I forget who you used to be.

And I bit my lip
The second you sipped
The poison that was mixed for me.

I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
You’d better find somebody else and get a hold of yourself.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.

Drink the poison lightly,
‘Cause there are deeper and darker things than you.
I know ’cause I’ve been there too.

I know it might seem frightening
To have the world fall apart right under your shoes.
Trust me,
You’ll make it through.

I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
You’d better find somebody else and get a hold of yourself.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.

I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.
I’m not the one, I’m not the one who wants to hurt you.

Is being honest the best policy?

The past couple of weeks have really opened my eyes to the people around me and how much we change. I used to be good friends with someone but because I was honest about my life with her things have changed. We don’t hang out anymore and when we talk I can feel the tension and uneasiness that radiates between us. At times I feel sad because I miss the friendship that we had. I miss how easy it was to talk and be open with this person and I miss the little things that made us laugh. At the same time I realize that people change and overtime the friendships we have now will one day not all exist. I know people move on and start new lives, but I wish a friendship wouldn’t come to a halt because of something someone did in their past or because of something someone is currently figuring out. I see change in a lot of things, but I especially see it in most friendships. I make a decision that people don’t like or don’t understand and when I turn around they seem to disappear… but when I do something “good” or something that makes sense to them they come back and act like they’ve been there all along. I think people should accept everyone for who they are. We shouldn’t be friends with someone just because they fit our “requirements” or they act a certain way. Instead, we should love everyone - no matter how much we think they are screwing up, or how bad or good that person may be. This friendship of mine that is slowly coming to an end has been really hard, but to be honest although I feel like I am losing something, I feel like this person is losing something as well. I am sad to say I am losing hold of this friendship, but was it friendship at all when they can’t be there for you when you need them most just because of something you did or are doing now…Probably not. This is just a small stone in a pile of rocks – a stepping stone towards change and a new way to look at life. We learn to let go, move forward and forget the past.

Time...is all I need

Today I went hiking in Panther Town for Basecamp and it was really relaxing and fun. We hiked about five miles and then sat by a waterfall for about an hour and a half and just relaxed and soaked up the sun. I really enjoy my job and I am truly happy with where I am right now – for the first time in a long time I actually am enjoying myself. I feel like I have a lot of time on my hands, but at the same time I have been super busy with work. I haven’t really gotten into a new campus ministry yet, but I feel like I don’t have the time to be so involved with any organization right now. I have been thinking about just taking a break from everything and focusing on just school and work. I feel hypocritical going to church and playing the Christian girl when I am not living it out and I am learning new things about myself and what I believe… So I am taking this time to figure it out. It’s been something I have been wrestling with for a little while now, but to be completely honest I have finally learned to let go. I have been holding onto a lot of things lately, things that I don’t need to hold on to, but even though letting go of these things was hard and at times difficult the end result fells right. I understand when people say don’t listen to your heart or follow what you think is right, but at the same time it makes no sense to me. I usually follow my heart and I usually do what I think feels right, and I am almost always certain about it. It is something I am working on and trying to learn more about, but at the same time it’s not my main concern. Right now I have to get back to writing a paper for my History class, but I felt the need to share what’s going on in my life because I have been pushing a lot of people away lately, so no one really knows what’s going on.

Just call me Betty Crocker

I made lasagna for dinner!

Half Spinach, Half Cheese

It was cooking in the over. Yumm

Super Tasty.

A Bear... A Big Bear!

Today was an epic day. It started off with waking up at 7AM to head to Rumbling Bald for the day with some friends. On our way we realized two things: We don’t have a crash pad (used for bouldering) and we have no idea how to get there. We frantically searched for numbers in our phones and called numerous people to get these desperately needed items. Once we got the treasure (crash pad and directions) we drove down the dangerous road of I-40 and other random streets and finally arrived at the top of the mountain an hour and a half later. We parked the car, got our stuff and started to walk.... We walked about 100 steps and realized we don’t know where the bouldering field is exactly, so we picked a random trail and explored. After going off trail and fighting off bushes, spiders and trees we came across the beautiful rock face. We got all our stuff on and then realized we left the crash pad in the car. After the two seconds of freaking out we got over it and climbed. After climbing up the rock and almost dying my dear friend Crista thought she saw a bear. We hear the noises and saw a four legged animal which appeared to be a small cub. While all this crazy stuff was going on I called down to my poor friend squirt and told her that she should probably climb up the rock a little faster...but because Squirt isn’t an experienced climber she started freaking out at the fact that a bear was nearby and also at the possibility that her legs were going to get mauled. Finally, after hyperventilating we realized that the large animal was just a HUGE dog, so we calmed down a bit. Long story short, we climbed for a while and then got rained out. So we hiked back to the car dropped off all the expensive stuff and hiked some more. We got dirty. We got messy. We smelled bad. And we were one with nature. Today was an epic day!

Underneath the flesh

We tend to run without thought towards a direction we think is right for us. We talk too soon and don’t think twice before we open our mouth. The things we say are interpreted in different ways and most of the time what we say doesn’t matter. We throw out advice and tell people how to live their life, but when we look at our own life we realize that what we say doesn’t reflect how we live. We’re hypocrites. We are judgmental and compare ourselves to other people putting ourselves above everyone and everything to make ourselves feel better about who we really are. We throw on a mask and an act for the people we care about because we don’t want them to see a side of us they’ve never seen before. We care so much about how the world views us that we lose who we really are. We do what people want us to do and say what they want to hear because we are scared. We have the tendency to sit back and not say a word even when we know we should say something because it aches and eats at us. We play the pity party game in hopes that someone somewhere will give us the time of day and actually listen to how much pain is weighted upon our chest. We hold things in for so long that we become numb to everything and one day we will explode. We find ourselves becoming dull and unaware of life’s greatest adventures. We are so caught up in dreaming and searching for love that we miss what is laying in front of us now. When we are wrong we have a hard time admitting it, so we blame someone or something else. We are worthless. Accept it.

Sippin’ on that Energy Drink

I feel like I have a lot of free time on my hands but at the same time I feel really rushed. I don’t have much to do, but I feel like there is so much that needs to be done. I work today and didn’t realize I double backed myself with working in the shop and then the wall. Today is going to be a long day. Haha.

(I wish the powerline wasnt on the top,but I took it while driving hahaha)

“Quiet My Heart” – Brooke Barrettsmith

My mind wanders away

Dreaming of where I could be on another day

I'm always so far ahead

I seem to miss the one that I'm in

And I regret the time I lost
Slow me down before it's gone

Right here in the moment I'm given

I'll treasure the breath that I breathe in
And I'll rest in You
You quiet my heart
Somehow every second that's passing
Is filled so much meaning
As I wait here with You
Quiet my heart

I get stuck in between
Yesterday and all that tomorrow brings
When all that You want from me
Is that I come and sit at your feet
And know that You are God
And with You no time is lost

Don't let me run away
Show me why I should stay
Open my eyes to take in Your beauty
Keep me here in this place
Take me in Your embrace
There's no place I'd rather be than right now

I was going through some of my pictures and I came across this one. I took it after a huge storm passed by and it just made me miss home a lot.

Random Pictures From Home:

This week

“And I won’t look back ‘cause there’s no use

It’s time to move forward “

I feel like this quote has been the theme of this week in so many different ways. I am slowly learning to let go of the past and focus more on the present. I am tired of looking back at my life and wishing things were different. I can’t change who I am or what I have done, but I can change who I am going to be today. People may not agree with the way I live my life, but they need to learn to respect it and not try to change who I am. I feel some sort of change coming into my life and to be honest I am excited about it.

Today was a good day!

Today was a fun and relaxing day. I only have one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I got back to the apartment around 11 and decided to take a nap! While I was sleeping my boss decided to call me and tell me that my mom sent them a facebook message asking them to tell me that she loves me and to give me a big hug from her. I was totally embarrassed and didn’t really know what to say to my boss so I thanked her for the message and went back to bed. After I decided to wake up (4 hours later) Rachel came over and we tried to do homework – that totally didn’t work out because I felt like I was reading gibberish or something so I gave up. Oh, how I love school. Haha. Then I went climbing for a little while and tried to dodge my stalker (long story) and then got free dinner. After that I relaxed and caught up with some friends and went to my mandatory meeting for work.

The meeting went well and because I have been trying to get more involved with Basecamp it has been awesome because I am starting to run more trips and not work so much at the climbing wall. I am hoping to go on a trip to Vermont during winter break and be able to see some different scenery for a week; I think it will be a lot of fun and totally worth it! This week is packed with work and the weekend is bringing in some hiking trips and hopefully a little bit of climbing. I am just pretty stoked right now because I feel like I am getting paid to play and do something I love am I am totally thankful for that!

Patches was suicidal

While I was baking an Apple Pie I walked into my room and Patches killed himself…
Or was it murder!?!

PC Weekend

“I have often wanted to know why God allows things such as: poverty, hunger and pain in our world.”

“Then why don’t you ask him?”

“Because I’m afraid He will ask me the same question.”

This past weekend I was able to catch up with some friends at PC and I had so much fun! It was really nice to get away and escape Cullowhee for a little while. This weekend was awesome and I feel like one lucky person! I am living with three awesome roomies and although one of them was unable to come, I still had a blast with the other two. I am super excited about this year and being able to grow closer with these girls, but at the same time it's a little scary because I know they will push me to try hard things and well... that's just scary. I am so happy to have them in my life because I know that no matter where I am or where I stand they will love me for who I am and how screwed up I am and that is really hard to find in people these days...but I found that in three!

You are more

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide


She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.


You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to


This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

Take it or leave it.

I don’t know where I am going or what I am running to, but I wish it would all just stop and go away. I have been playing this game for way too long, but now that I forgot the rules I am ready to quit. I don’t know how I feel or what my thoughts are but I want to get whatever weight is on my chest off. I wish I had a time capsule because I would go back to the day I met you and do everything I could to get away…because life was so much easier before you came into it. I thought you would be here forever, but looking back I wonder if you were ever here to begin with – or did I just make up everything I felt to tell myself that I was living for something greater than myself. Now looking back I want to live life how I want to live it, but according to certain people that would be me being selfish with my life so I guess I’ll see what happens next. As for now, I am running in a circle looking for something, but I have no idea what that something is. I don’t know my thoughts, my feelings, or where I stand, but I hope it all comes to me soon because I am getting tired of pretending. I guess I will disappear from reality for a bit and step away from life until I gather my thoughts and figure life out.

For an ending thought: Being completely honest and raw is the one thing I am going to always work towards… so you can take what I say or leave it. Something that I would like to say is that people can give someone as much advice as they would like, but that doesn’t always mean your advice will be taken and there is nothing you can do or say to change someone else’s heart.

I couldn’t help myself

So I finally did it; I decided to start a blog and to be honest, I’m not really sure what I want to write about or how personal I want to be… I’m not even sure if anyone will read this, but it feels good to write and let things out so I guess we’ll see where this first entry goes. Ha.

I have been in school for about two weeks and it has been the most interesting and challenging thing all at once. I am getting back into the old routine of waking up early (actually going to class), doing homework, going to work, and learning how to juggle time with my friends and time for myself. In my head I thought this year would be easy. I thought I would be able to fly by without a worry in the world, but to be honest it has been the total opposite. I find myself struggling everyday to not fall into temptation that sits around every corner and every time I am about to slip that Lord reminds me of what I am about to get myself into. I try so hard to do good, but every time I attempt good it turns into bad and I just find myself trying to work for God’s grace instead of just accepting it. In my head I tell myself that I have to work for my salvation because I have never really gotten things handed to me; I’ve always had to work for whatever it was. The hardest part of this is remembering that it has already been done and that there is nothing good enough that I can do or have to do to earn it. That is what I love most about my God. No matter how much I screw up, no matter how bad I tell myself I am (even though I am much worse than I think), His grace is enough for me and His blood was shed so that I could live life and be free and alive, and because of that I am no longer dead to my sins. Although sin never sleeps and there will always be a war going on between the devil and I, I am excited to see where this year is going to take me and am super stoked to get involved with a new ministry.

Surprise…Some people know this and for others this could be the first you’ve heard, but I have decided to find a new ministry on campus. I love the ministry I was a part of (CO) and I think it’s awesome, but I don’t think it was meant for me. The past two weeks have revealed so much to me but most of all, I was shown how much I people please. I was thinking about it earlier this week and the only reason I do some of the things I do is because I am extremely insecure with myself and I worry too much about what other people expect out of me; I just want to be accepted. I decided that I need to search for something new and do what I think is right instead of staying in this ministry because people want me to stay or because all my friends are in it. I found myself going just because I wanted to see people, not to learn more about God. I see this pattern in my life everywhere… Instead of going to church to worship God, I go to hang out and eat with friends afterwards; I go to Bible Study to hang out and joke around, not to grow. Part of me wants to give up, but there is a string holding me up and directing me towards a scary path. I am going to fight these issues and although this road looks scary and unfamiliar I know that I stand on a strong rock and I will not be shaken. I am learning to trust God through this and am ready to face the trails that lay ahead.