Lost at sea..

Something inside of me gets lost in who you are

Drowning in your presence I start fall

I’m trying my best just to catch my breath

From the weight of my heart that sinks into my chest

From every touch you send, it sinks a little more

Driving straight to my core

And reflecting from my eyes and into yours, I see an ocean of many stars

Glowing as bright as the sun can shine, radiating the glory that’s intimately divine

Because when I look in your eyes, I see is the best part of me

Escaping what the world has tried to offer me

And your eyes are like an ocean, and I’m lost at sea

Trying to be everything you want me to be

I’m a sailor who’s lost her tracks and gone too far

Lost myself in the beauty of everything you are

But there’s nothing more I want than this

Then to lose myself in the beauty of pure bliss

Going out with a Bang...

There’s only an hour and forty minutes before the great year of 2010 is over and 2011 comes rolling in, and I found myself sitting on my bedside, thinking of all the good and bad this year has had. I have definitely had one hell of a year and I can confidently say that I am excited to end this year and begin a new adventure. I have everything I could ever ask for right now and there is nothing more I want than to “start over” and have a clean slate under my feet. I have a few extremely close friends who I couldn’t live without and I have that someone in my life that keeps me going and is always there for me to lean on. I am doing my best to rebuild relationships with my family and mend all the broken pasts in order to start over, and what a better way to start than the new year… I have grown tremendously this year in learning who I am and what I stand for. I have gained the strength to let go instead of always fighting to hold on and that is the biggest accomplishment I feel that I have achieved. I thank all my friends and family for sitting by my side through all the thick and thin and helping me get through everything that has happened in the past few weeks and into the past few months; I am truly blessed with every life I have encountered. I realized that everything happens for a reason, and that I cannot change the course that my life has been set to sail. I learned a new word… a word that I now hold close to my heart: serendipity. Serendipity is the accidental discovery of something pleasant; it’s like fate, fortune, luck and one’s destiny. When I had doubts in my mind and started to walk away from what the world told me I couldn’t be because of a book, something came up out of nowhere and fell right into place…serendipity. When I least expected it to happen, it did. So this year didn’t turn out quite the way I thought it would. It ended in a way I never imagined and I am hoping that this upcoming year brings even more joys and unexpected pleasures. All I can really say is…Expect that unexpected. Happy New Year and bring it on 2011!

New Favorite Song (:

"Sweet Serendipity" - Lee Dewyze

I ain’t got no car
And I've got one pair of jeans
They’ve been stretched too far
And now they’re weak at the seams
I can’t say what’s next
And I got nothin' up my sleeve
But I don’t lose my head
Cause it ain’t really up to me

[chorus]
And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity

I don’t ask for a lot
No nothing more than I need
Because I love what I got
Don’t need to play the lottery
I just want to be strong
At the end of the road
I don’t want to hold on
I want the strength to let go

[chorus]
And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity

And what will be will be
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I aint gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity
Like Sweet Serendipity

Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination
Just see where the wind will take you
You never know when you're gonna fall
But I'm not worried
No I'm not worried

[chorus]
And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me

And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happend yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity

Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination

Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet
Sweet Serendipity
Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet
Sweet Serendipity
I don't know
Sweet Serendipity

Tonight.

"I wish you were here to hold my hand

To pull me near and tell me it’s all in the plan

Comfort me when my heart grows weak

Pick me up when I fall to my knees

Hold me tight when I cannot control

The tears that roll all the way down to the floor"

My heart feels distraught tonight, like there’s something that needs to be said. There are millions of “things” running through my head and not one of them will slow down long enough for me to grasp the whole “idea” of what it is that is on my mind. You see, I feel different emotions from each thing I think about and it confuses me sometimes. I am all together extremely happy right now, but when I think about each thought alone, and not as a “whole,” I become sad and a little unpleased. Some thoughts… I am unhappy being in VA right now and there is nothing more I would want than to pack up and leave. I was born into a family I am almost certain I was not supposed to be a part of and it kills me inside to know that I am related to these people. I can’t stand religion right now because of what it does to people – in my opinion it ruins them. I feel disgusted with myself because I can’t stand up and say what I really think to certain people about issues that are actually important. And finally, I feel so awkward talking to old friends who I used to run to because I feel like they have totally left my life and could care less.

"What happened to me and you I just don’t know

It’s like you pushed me to the curb

Made me take the blow

You told me you would never leave my side

You said you would be there all the time

…But I guess you lied"

I



Secrets - One Republic

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess

'Til all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My God, amazing that we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Sending it straight to gold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'm 'a tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that delight those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, all my secrets away

The ending words...

I’m sorry I put you through all of the pain pretending to be someone and something I’m not. I’m sorry you’ve watched me go downhill leaving everyone I once loved to finally do things the way I see them. I never meant to pack up and leave the way I did; I figured no one would notice, or maybe they wouldn’t care, but I am happy now. I don’t have to hold up your status any longer, I can be myself without being mistaken for you; I’m not your mini-me anymore. I am my own person, not a follower in your footsteps. I once wanted to be like you, follow in your footsteps, but I’ve learned (the hard way) that making my own footsteps is better for me, so I’m done with you. I see your face get sad when you see who I’ve become, like you had an expectation for me to become more, but I have never been so happy and I’ve never had more than I do now, so don’t be sad. The changes I’ve made were meant for good, not meant for breaking you down and making you go through this situation once again with a loved friend. I am my own. I am free to make my own choices and do what it is that I please to do with my life. I have learned through this situation who is here and who has left. I was told to be open and raw with my life, which is the one thing I hold onto, but now that I have followed that advice, I realized that I lost more than I ever wanted to lose. Nonetheless, I will not change who I am for you. I have my ways and you have yours. I’ll be who I am without you, and you do the same. This is a post to help me cope; it helped me realize that I can be who I really am without hiding it from you. You, who have been there all along, and without realizing it, when you wanted to only help me, pushed me away from it all, allowing me become independent and leaving…you who I thought I needed around.

All I want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
And I, I just wanna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for St. Nick
I won't even stay awake
To hear those magic reindeer click

Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding onto me so tight
What more can I do
Oh baby, all I want for Christmas is you

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of childrens'
Laughter fills the air

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me
The one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me, quickly

I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just wanna see my baby
Standing right outside my door

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you

All I want for Christmas is you, baby

About the last blog I wrote...

I don’t really know what it is that I am trying to say in the last blog posting… I wrote it a while back and it’s just been taking up memory on my computer so I thought it was time to post it. I haven’t really gone through it and made adjustments when dealing with how I want it to sound so it is in the process of I guess “proof reading/writing” still. Ha. It really doesn’t make much sense if you’re not in my mind, but they’re just thoughts that come up. I just wanted to give a little “glimpse” into what my thoughts are sometimes....at least what they were in the past.

“… No one forgets the truth; they just get better at lying. – Revolutionary Road”

Deceiving words spill out of your mouth

With no filter at all, it all comes crashing down

The taste of sweet revenge lingers on your lips

Where lies cover up the truth and now bury the evidence

Of a truth that hides in your soul

Remember the truth that was once so bare?

Thrown out there for the world to see you in despair

You held it high with not a worry in the world

You passed it along to the one in control

But your reality is now a hidden truth

Buried away, long gone, thrown back to your youth

And you hide it there as a past regret

Because you’re scared to see what might happen next

So there you go again putting on an act

Hiding the truth and claiming it’s not you

You who has turned stonehearted and numb to fact

Pushing the blame to get everyone off your back

So you mask on a face and hide in the past

Hoping this season of your life will not last

But the lies will decay and infest within your life

Leaving you with nothing left but a painful price

And your worries will no longer be about them

But where you will go when time ends

Nonetheless you send them away

All your thoughts and the only real price that was paid

You hide your shamefulness in a broken heart

And place on a mask, pretending this isn’t who you are

But as you live your life as one big lie

The world will pass you by and soon… you will die

There’s no good end with this path of yours

Withthe hidden truths and all the ignores

Buried away for only you to see

That this life of yours was not meant to be

No Title

We were oh so young, staying up late watching the moon turn into the sun

Hearing your voice whisper into my ears as the night grew older

The stars winked back as the night grew colder

There wasn’t a worry in the world when we walked hand-in-hand

Tugging on my sweater to bring me closer

And there was a shine in your eyes that reflected off mine

I remember the night when we cuddled up real tight.

Our bodies became two-in-one, we molded into pure perfection.

Chills ran down my spine as our fingers intertwined

I loved the view I had as I was holding you

So innocent and pure, such a child you were

But...what if

It has been a long and exciting semester here at Western, but I must admit I’m happy it’s over. I am looking forward to Christmas break, seeing my family and just getting away for a little while. I’ll spend the majority of my time in Virginia working with my aunt and getting opportunities to train clients with working out and making nutritional plans for them. Honestly, I am a little nervous but I cannot wait to be pushed to my limits and push people to their limits, especially if the end result is success. I bought a one-way ticket to VA and from there, after Christmas day, I am a free soul to soar wherever I please. Going off and having adventures is something I do best and I must say it’s easier to go wherever I please if I had a car, but I’ll find a way to make it back by the 10^th and during each adventure I’ll figure it out.

 I was talking to an older woman today and she told me that she was going to give me advice that would be helpful for the rest of my life. As I sat there and talked with her, what she told me is really sticking in my mind. She said “There are two words in the English language that we use a whole lot. The first word is: what. What are you up to? What are you wearing? What this or what that? She continued and said the second word is: if. If I do that will this happen. If I give you this can I have that and so on…” She kept talking and said, “Now the words themselves are not dangerous, but when you put them together you get “what if.” What if I did this then what would have happened?” The woman said “You will constantly doubt yourself in everything you do and you will always be wondering “What if” in every situation.” As I sat there I began to think that there was no good news from this talk and that I would just wonder my whole life “What if this, or what if that.” Then out of nowhere she came back and said… “Now this is what you have to do: You need to give everything you have in every situation and put all of yourself in everything. When you meet that someone, go slow and show them how much you care, spend extra time with them, care for them, and on and on, that way you will never wonder “What if I treated them better?”  Because you have already treated them the best you can. She gave me a few other examples and then looked up and said “That’s all I have for you” and walked away.

Now I am sitting in my room and I admit I have my “what if” questions running through my head and I think I always will, but now I feel like I can take that advice and actually use it. In all honesty, I don’t put in 100% of my effort in every friendship I possess, I don’t give everything my full attention and I don’t love people as much as I should. I find myself second guessing myself in a lot of different things and even before I make a decision I find myself asking “what if.” I don’t want to be the girl who constantly questions herself. I can’t buy confidence and assurance, but I can give everything I have in everything and if things don’t work out, then at least I’ll know for sure that it really wasn’t “meant to be.” Although, the “what if” questions will never just disappear, I hopefully will be able to slim them down by giving each situation everything I have, giving it my all.

Say (All I Need)- Onerepublic

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

'cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Yeah better than you had it

Better than you had it

I said i all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said all i need

Is the air i breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well until you get there

Go on go ahead and scream it

Just say it

Life's tough... wear a helmet.

You know it’s funny how much I hate relying on people. I hate asking for help and I hate showing people that I cannot do certain things on my own. When I think about it though, this whole semester I have had to rely on people and it has been the absolute worst feeling. I know it’s a pride thing, I acknowledge that, but I still hate it. I don’t like it because I feel like people are looking down at me and its showing people that I’m weak and in a sense I feel like a huge failure and extremely useless. I would rather walk in the cold than ask for a ride. I’d rather fail a test because I don’t want people to see I need help. I’d rather skip an event than explain to my friends why I cannot go. I’d rather not be in school than ask even my family for help. I guess I am writing this down because I am finding myself in another one of those situations where I need to rely on the people around me to help me get through this season of my life. I am finding my pride getting in the way of everything I do and in a sense it is slowing me down. I shouldn’t be prideful with things I don’t possess. I shouldn’t pretend I have my life held together when I don’t. I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help and admit to myself and other people that I really cannot do certain things on my own. No one will ever have it all together, so why should I even try and pretend…

Expectations.

There are so many expectations. People are always expecting you to do this or to do that; to be this way or act that way. You know, I’ve been experiencing a lot of this lately and I realized that I physically cannot meet everyone’s expectations. I cannot please every person I meet by being the person they want me to be. As they throw their “words of wisdom” on me and give me advice on how to live my life, all I can do is sit back and think to myself “who are you to tell me these things?” I have had the best moments of my life this semester and it’s because I have finally stopped listening to everyone’s expectations. I have pushed the weight of all the words thrown on me to the side and have finally learned to think for myself and live the life I want to live, the one life I’ve been given. I give off as much love as I can and I do the best I can do with the circumstances that stand in front of me each day, and if that’s not enough for people, I don’t know what is. For months, I have felt so guilty doing my own thing because so many people were disappointed in me and for so many people I didn’t meet their “expectations,” but in all honesty I can’t do it. I can put on an act for you and pretend to be the person you want me to be, but at the end of the day I come home and wipe it all off. I take of the layers of make-up that hide my true self from everyone’s expectations and it exhausts me. There is so much pressure that surrounds every one of us; pressure to achieve the highest grades in school, pressure to be beautiful, pressure to be “in” with the crowd, pressure to stand out, pressure to be this way or that way, pressure to be someone you’re not. We shouldn’t have to mold ourselves to fit everyone else’s expectations of what they want us to be. So many times I hear people talking about how they absolutely hate “fake” people, but at the same time they judge and ridicule people for who they really are and that causes us to slowly mold into what they want us to be. I guess I’m just a little frustrated with the world’s expectations for me. I tried to hold it up on a silver palate and I tried my best to be that person they wanted me to be, but after a while it broke me down. I don’t like pretending to please people. If you’re disappointed because you expect more out of me, keep it to yourself because I’m not going to change for you.

Today I got an “F you” letter…

So never in my life have I gotten a hate letter before but there is always a first for everything, right? I would have never pictured myself as a “bad” person, but today I kind of got slapped in the face with how “bad” of a person I actually am. I guess you can say I have hurt more people this past year than I ever thought. I have put myself before anyone and anything and made sure I was happy before other people were. I guess you can call it “selfish” and so that’s what I’ve been.  I’ve been selfish. Today when I got my first hate letter the first thing that I did was get defensive and push it to the side like nothing happened. Now, I am sitting in class realizing how much I hurt this person without even realizing it. I wanted to make myself happy so I did what I wanted and didn’t really think of the consequences behind my actions. I blamed my actions on everything but myself and claimed that it wasn’t “me” in control. In all honesty, it was my fault and only my fault. I made this situation happen and there is no one I can blame but myself. I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts on this. I don’t like hurting people and I don’t like knowing people are disappointed in me – it’s the worst thing anyone could ever tell me, that they’re disappointed. And today because someone wasn’t afraid to stand up to me and tell me how much I am hurting other people and myself, I was able to realize this.  So I just wanted to say “I’m sorry.” Sorry for hurting the ones I love the most. I haven’t said that word in a long time, “love”. I stopped saying it because I didn’t mean it, but now I do.

Never thought I'd see this day...

So… I have never been a fan of Taylor Swift but there’s a song I actually like. It’s called “Enchanted.” Check it out.

Lyrics:

There I was again tonight
Forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired, lonely place
Walls of insincerity
Shifting eyes and vacancy
Vanished when I saw your face
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

Your eyes whispered 'have we met?'
Crossed the room, your silhouette
Starts to make its way to me
The playful conversation starts
Counter all your quick remarks
Like passing notes in secrecy
And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

The lingering question kept me up
2 AM, who do you love?
I wonder till I'm wide awake
And now I'm pacing back and forth
Wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say 'hey'
It was enchanting to meet you
All I know is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Blushing all the way home


This night is flawless
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

This is me praying that this was the very first page
Not where the storyline ends
My thoughts will echo your name
Until I see you again
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you
Please, don't be in love with someone else
Please, don't have somebody waiting on you
Please, don't be in love with someone else
Please, don't have somebody waiting on you

This night is sparkling
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

This night is flawless
Don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck
Dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Please, don't be in love with someone else
Please, don't have somebody waiting on you