Just some picture from the weekend..

Me and Mike

Rachel and Me

Roomieee!

The girls... And the creeper (Caleb) in the back

Love them!

Hahah!

Any Other Way -Tenth Ave. North

We're just standing on the surface
Don't say alright, don't say I know
I promise it's not worth it

I want to know who you are
Even if you're falling apart
Reach in and touch your scars
And all the shame you  have kept in your heart

'Cause it's not enough
it's not enough
just to say that we're okay
I need your hurt I need your pain
it's not love any other way

Let's not pretend
Stop your parade
trying to convince me
That you're alright and everything's ok
Do you even know me

'Cause I already know who you are
And all things that kept us apart
So reach in and touch My scars
and know the price I paid for your heart

'Cause it's not enough
it's not enough
just to say that we're okay
I need your hurt i need your pain
it's not love any other way

A broken and contrite heart
I will not despise
come as you are
and I won't close my eye

I won't close my eyes
I won't close my eyes
I won't close my eyes

'Cause it's not enough
It's not enough
Just to say that we're okay
I need your hurt I need your pain
It's not love any other way

'Cause it's not enough it's not enough
just to say that you're okay
You needed my hurt, you needed my pain
It's not love any other way
It's not love any other way
Yeah, it's not love any other way

Real Talk.

I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am. Maybe it’s because I have come to a spot in my life where I see the old me and the new me clashing into something different. I used to be strong willed when dealing with certain things, but I have caught myself letting go of the things I used to hold close to my heart and reaching out towards something else. I don’t know if I can call it better because my emotions and how I feel are extremely bi-polar and up in the air, but it’s definitely different. I guess you can say I’ve “slipped” into some of my old patterns and gone back to the way I used to live my life, but at the same time I really care about what I’m doing and I would like to say I watch myself closely. I don’t know how to put it into words, but I can’t seem to find the line between going too far and not going far enough when it comes to the term "searching." I see myself losing some of the things I used to possess but at the same time I feel like I am gaining other things as well. I want to say I’m trying my best and working towards, let’s be honest, the Lord, but in all honesty, I feel like I’ve let it all go. This isn’t going to be an easy blog to write, but it is something I have been giving a lot of thought and it’s something I feel the need to share.

I guess that’s where I am trying to go with this whole blog posting. I have been trying to not use the words: God, Lord, Jesus or anything Biblical in any of my blogs because I know it’s a sensitive topic. I guess I am just scared to say it out loud and really admit it to myself and others and I guess in my head if I don’t say the words then people won’t think of me differently. It’s like I have so much I want to say about how I feel on this particular topic but at the same time I can’t seem to get the words out of my head and onto this paper. I don’t have any good reason at all for why I have been doing the things I have been doing. I think I am just at a point where I want to admit how I feel to people. I mean let’s be honest, I know what certain people want to hear and I can pull crap out of the air most of the time so people won’t question me, but I guess and maybe I’m just saying this because I know what to say, but if you really look at my life, I don’t reflect the Lord. When I say certain things because I know people want to hear it, I feel fake and I hate feeling fake.  This is hard for me to type out and admit to everyone but it’s just me being honest. I don’t like being fake or fake people so I say screw pretending and I am just going to be real no matter if it’s good or bad, easy or not easy to hear or say. I am not writing this out and meaning to offend people because I know people have invested a ton of time into my life and I really appreciate it and I love it. I am not meaning this to be a blog about me not loving God or not believing in it at all if it comes across that way. I guess I am just attempting at writing out my true feelings. So many people are asking me where I stand right now and questioning me on my involvement and this is all I can say for the moment. I don’t even know if this makes sense when reading it back to myself but its all good.

idkkk

Sugarcoating: to make something unpleasant seem less so

Fake: a person or thing that appears or is presented as being genuine but is not

Synonyms: false, forged, phony, bogus, sham, an act, counterfeit.

Honesty: the quality, condition, or characteristic of being fair, truthful, and morally upright

Synonyms:  truthfulness, openness, candor, sincerity, frankness.

Being real: Not sugarcoating things and being completely honest

Synonyms: actual, true, genuine, exact

If you feel the need to say something say it. If you do something wrong, admit to it. Be real, not fake. Don’t hide who you are to please other people. Don’t pretend you’re something you’re not. That freaking simple…damn.

I feel frustrated right now. AFSKDVJNDEFSDV. That’s it for today.  

I don't really know what to call this.

Maybe it’s time to take a break from everything, to take a step back and run towards the open fields. Life is so short and unexpected and it is something we should never take for granted. To live each day as it comes and accept the challenge’s that are thrown in front of us. Don’t look at something and try to change the situation because you want the easiest way out, instead, look at it face-to-face and challenge it back. There is nothing too hard, to stressful, to complicated, or too anything to deal with, it’s all about how you deal with it and your attitude towards it.

I have been thinking about how I deal with all the situations going on in my life and I realized that I have been dealing with them the wrong way this whole time. I look at my best interest and not the interest of others; selfish of me, I know. When someone does me wrong, I want to do them wrong. When I am not “in” with everything that’s going on in a friend’s life, I don’t open up because I feel like I deserve the right to know about you if you know about me. When I see someone getting away with something wrong, I try my best to get away with something worse so I can “up” them on being a “BA”. I will go the extra mile to make myself look bigger because its how my mind works but in really I am not that big. I play out situations in my head, so I can come out the hero and I pretend people will remember me when I leave. I am trying to make a legend out of myself, but all I am doing is pretending and playing superhero with myself. I am no legend, no hero, no god, no nothing. I tell myself all the time that I put people in front of myself and that I make myself smaller and them bigger, but that is a lie I have been believing to make myself feel better about who I am. My goal is to look to people’s interest before I look to mine. To love everyone equally and actually LOVE them… Saying “I love you” will cut it anymore…

Just the way you are - Bruno Mars

This song has been stuck in my head for such a long time now and I cant help but turn the volume all the way up and sing along when I hear it. Haha

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Lifeisgood.

Its the little things in life that mean the most to me. The little things people remember or just a simple smile from a stranger when I walk by can make my day turn around in a second. Today, I have been finding so much more joy in the littlest things and I have no idea why. I woke up an hour earlier this morning because I forgot to turn my alarm clock off, and usually when I would be mad I just laid in bed and felt extremely content. I woke up this morning and I felt like it was a new day, I just felt so different and rejuvenated. It was like a sense of happiness snuck into my soul during the night and said “I’m taking over today whether you want me to or not.” There is a lot going on and so much work that I need to catch up on, but right now they seem so small to me and there isn’t an ounce of stress weighted on my chest. I have been feeling really good today and I can’t help but smile and I have no idea why. For the first time in a long time I enjoyed sitting in class and listening to my teachers talk about a bunch of stuff that didn’t really make sense to me. I feel at ease and I just want to capture this moment because I don’t feel like it comes that often. I feel so happy and energized that it overflowed a little bit and I couldn’t help but just talk to everyone, especially people I didn’t know. It’s the kind of feeling you can get high off of and you just breathe it in and expect it to end as soon as you take another breath, but for me it’s been lingering around all day. It’s like instead of a rain cloud, it feels like a blue sky hovering over me. I just can’t help but laugh right now because I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this happy – and noting has happened to me for me to feel happy, at all…. There isn’t anything going on to make me feel this way, I just do.

Today has already been amazing and to top it off I did something I’ve always wanted to do.

 I wrote a blog about always wanted to catch a leaf and today I was walking home and one just happened to fall into my hands. It was right before I was surrounded by the gates that cover the bridge and I saw it falling but it seemed too far in front of me, so I just put out my hands and with the help of the wind it fell right into my palms. I don’t really know why today is going by so well, but I don’t want to end. I wish I could capture this moment like a camera captures a picture, but life doesn’t work like that. We are given moments like this and as easily as we take hold of them they can be taken away even easier. As for right now, I am holding onto it and hopefully whenever it goes away, because I know it will, I can read back and remember that life isn’t that bad and that the little things in life are what I should be holding onto.

I can make that difference.

I’ve seen a lot of people in my twenty years of life. Each person is different and every one of them has walked a different path in life. I find it fascinating to hear the stories of their past and what life has thrown at them. It really makes me think of how much I take for granted and how much I look at my past as something I never liked. Thinking about it lately, I feel really lucky to have the past that I had. I learned so much from my past and every little thing, even the bad things, made me grow into the person I am today. I tend to look at my past and wish things were different, but now, I can’t help but rejoice in my past and everything I’ve been through. I have spent so much time wishing things were different and acting like I lived this messed up life, when in reality I lived so much better than millions of people and was luckier than most people I knew. Shoot, I had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and friends and family who loved me, even when I didn’t see it. I was so blind to what I had in front of me because my thoughts were so consumed by everything I wanted to have instead of finding joy in the things that were sitting in front of me the whole time. All the material things that would have made my life so much “better” just brought me down. I’ve been living the present to the fullest because I kept thinking the present will soon be my past, and I don’t want to hate my past, but I have been learning to slow down and really enjoy what I have now – in front of me. I see so many people who are struggling to get by each day and it just breaks me down inside because there is so much I wish I could do for them… I see them and my heart breaks, but I seem to forget so soon or push them to the side. I tell myself that I am one person and one person can’t make a difference, but in reality one person can make a huge difference.

A day to put in the books.

My Grandmother has always been the quiet type. Her health has been in better shape and because she’s been getting older she has been running into more complications. I am extremely close to my Grandma and today I got the most amazing phone call in the world. You see, she went through chemo-therapy for her breast cancer a few years ago but since then there have been a few complications and health issues. She is very quiet like I said and never tells anyone about her health, mostly because I don’t think she wants the family to worry about her (Even though she usually keeps me posted, but I am always sworn to secrecy), but today she called to let us know that the cancer is gone and she doesn’t have to go back to the doctor for a year! I have worried about her for years now because I don’t know what I would ever do with myself if something happened to her, and I just wanted to praise God for getting her through this! She is a very strong woman and she never gave up, and I hope one day I can be as good of a woman as her!

Today was an amazing day and I am so happy! My mom came into town yesterday to visit and so far it has been really good. I can tell she is making the effort with our relationship as of right now and I just hope we can work things out. I had a friend tell me I believed a lie that we would never get along (meaning my mother and I) and I just want to say thank you for pointing that out to me because I am realizing that anything can happen.

P.s. I got some sick kicks today at the mall! Two new pairs of Nikes! Haha Good day!

Title:

I heard someone say the other day that blogs were supposed to be a place where you write down what you feel so other people could know how you were doing. Well, I have been giving it some thought. I have been doing pretty well lately and there is not much going on that is bringing me down right now. Life is moving by pretty smoothly and I feel like I have g rip on what needs to get done to a certain point when it comes to school and work.  The one thing though that I have kept to myself and haven’t mentioned to anyone is the fact that I feel like I am an outcast when looking at my friends. Since this year started I feel like the relationships I built over the summer and semesters before have in a way gone down the drain with certain friends. I feel like people are acting different around me and I guess I’ve just been holding that in. This could be all in my head but it just sucks in a way. I feel like it started when I told some people about some decisions in my life I was making and the fact that I wasn’t going to be as involved with certain things anymore. They may have said that they don’t think differently of me but just from the way I feel treated by them I say differently. I guess I just wanted to let that little snippet out. I like to hold things in, but I am kind of over it because in the end I am the one who gets hurt from it. Also, one more thing… For the people who know what’s going on in my life right now, I guess I am getting a little aggravated at the fact that you feel the need to bring up a certain situation in every conversation I have. I get the point; you don’t like what I am doing… I don’t need to hear it every day of my life. Alright… I guess that’s what’s on my mind this morning.

Fighting to stay in control

The truth is there is so much the needs to be said, but the words seem to disappear before they escape my lips. It’s like I want to do all the things I can’t do and say all the things I can’t say to have you turn the other way. I guess the hardest part of this is remembering that I am not the one who saves. The feeling I get when I see you from across the street eats at me because I know who you used to be. You used to be the girl who didn’t have a worry in the world, who once smiled and laughed it all off, but now your living a lie and pretending everything’s fine when deep down I know your broken inside. You used light up a room with just a simple smile and the presence of yourself stood out of a crowd for over a million miles. You had that attraction that was hard to find, pretty on both the outside and inside, you were like a magnet to people that couldn’t hide. Your heart was once filled with so much love that it overflowed and traces could be found wherever you walked. Out of everyone I knew, I thought you were the strongest of them all, I thought you’d never give in and take the fall. But one day, everything changed when you decided to turn the other way. You said you were sick of this life and the entire unknown and all you wanted was control. It happened so fast, it was like a blink of an eye, you went off to live your own life. As I watched you in attempt to take control, you ran full force towards an unknown world; it was there I watched you spin out of control. I know it must hurt to see each day pass by and see that not a thing has changed in your life. To walk on the feet that slip so easily beneath you must make it hard to balance. It hurts to watch you slip below the line, and hide in the shadows of your own shame and lies. To see that the faith you once had disappeared and now all you’re doing is playing a game of catch and release. As you walk by with your head down low, the light that once radiated off you is now a no-show. There is no trace of love from this path you’re walking and it kills me inside to know you are turning your head and resisting it the way you are. You tell me it’s gone and it won’t come back, but I believe He is just giving you a little slack. The freedom to swim around and do your own thing, but trust me when I say you will sink. And when you start to sink He will reel you back in and hopefully this game will be over so you don’t have to play again. It must hurt not being able to breathe, to drift away slowly and swimming in no direction at all must be so confusing. You must be getting tired of trying to catch your breath, trying to stay above the water’s surface in attempt to pretend you’re alright. Trust me when I say you will sink and when you do He will cast out a line to you and reel you back in. Hopefully this game will be over so you don’t have to play again.

A small random dream o' mine.

Well you see, I have always wanted to catch a leaf right after it breaks off the branch but before it hits the ground. I guess you could say it’s a random thing that I really just want to accomplish before I die. It is quite unusual, I know, but it is something I just really want to do. I don’t want to pull a leaf off the tree because than it would be like me killing it and that’s just mean. I also don’t want to pick one off the ground because once it hits the ground, it's dead… But, if it is falling it is neither alive nor dead in my head. It’s strange and I guess it’s just the way my mind thinks, but its fall time and I really hope a big leaf just lands in my hand as I walk beneath the trees.

I could sit here all day and stare out the window

Watching the world pass by and the people mingle

They talk about all they’ve done and where they’ve been

Their tone of voice changes within as they tell of their stories…

Its fun to watch their expressions and listen to them speak

The body language used is so damn unique

When they speak of something sad they tend to look away

In shame of the tears that roll down their face

But when they’re happy it’s a joyful site

Laughing and staring you straight in the eyes

The glowing in their eyes is an obvious sign

They love to play and cross the line

The line that separates a heart’s desire from going too far

It’s an interesting thing, people I mean

We all act different, yet were pretty much the same

We go through painful times and happy times

We live each day as it passes us by

Interaction is our way of life

More Than Useless

I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather

Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

So I say if I can't, do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it

Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run

And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me

I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world's doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it's my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know

I'm a little more than useless
When I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once

I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once

Oh, I love the fall.

I love this weather. I love walking outside and feeling the cool air brush up against my skin. I love walking home late at night when everything is black and all I can see are the little specks of light glistening off each star. I love it when I hear the crickets singing to me as I walk by and the fireflies lighting up to say hello. Every time I breathe in I get excited to exhale and watch the breath leave my lungs and go off into a place unknown. I love that the clouds comfort the moon as they float amongst him. As I walk beneath them they form different shapes to please my eyes and when they get behind me I can’t help but bend upside down to see if I can come up with something different.  I love the feeling of lying on the cement staring into the sky wondering what is out there as the cold air rushes in and awakes my soul. I can’t help but smile when the temperature creates rosy red cheeks and toboggans scattered around campus. The sun is shining but the air is fighting to stay cool and invigorating. I love the feeling of walking out of a heated room into the cold air and how it sends chills up my spine. I can’t help but cuff my hands together and blow warm air into them. The crisp air sparks up a sensational feeling within my body sending a smile to my face and a dance in my walk. I absolutely love this weather.