Black Friday

So… I have never been shopping on Black Friday, but today was my first time. I always thought that everyone had a nice bone in their body, but I guess on Black Friday it disappears! I have never seen stores so busy in my whole entire life! Like seriously, it was insane. People were pushing and cutting in line and the stores smelt bad because of all the people who waited overnight and didn’t shower in the morning. Gosh, it was crazy…but I must admit I had a ton of fun running around, fighting the crowd, and pushing people out of the way to get what I wanted. Good thing I didn’t really want anything though. I just went for the mayhem and to watch people turn into animals over material things...Kind of my entertainment for the day. I did get a new pair of kicks and a sweet hoodie jacket. So my day was a 10 out of 10. Just thought I’d share my first experience with the world. (: K byeee.

Cha Cha slidee

I am sitting in the dark with just the light of the computer screen shining on my face. I stared at the keys for a moment and began to type, just anything that came to mind…

I can’t lift up my head because it feels so heavy

The weight of this world is too much to carry

I can barely find the strength to look up

I found myself crying out to God in despair

Searching for a sign that He is still there

I begged and begged for Him to hear my cry

I’ll admit to myself

I can’t run my own life; I’m too weak to try

But I realized I was praying alone

Calling out the name of a God not known

Lying face down on an empty floor

Every wall crumbled with the lack of a cornerstone

So I searched the sky for a God unknown

Looking into the blackness where nothing was shown

I fell to my knees and called out again

In hope that it was a mistake

That maybe He couldn’t hear me

Something must have got in the way

But the silence rang in my ears as the night turned to day

I felt enclosed and alone with nothing left to say

If God’s not there when I call out His name

I’ll turn my back and deal with the pain

All I hear is the ticking of a clock and the sound of the dog pacing back and forth on the upstairs wood floor. I don’t want to say what I wrote is the truth because it’s not. I just wrote it. I don’t really understand why it came out like that; maybe it’s because it’s how I feel. My stubbornness says “no” but who really knows the truth. At first I was hesitant about putting this up because it could be interpreted in different ways…but then I thought “I don’t really care what people think” so now it’s up for the world to see.

I must admit, I have had an amazing Thanksgiving Break. I feel like one lucky girl who has an amazing family she never even knew she had. Hope everyone’s was as great as mine!

[Words Spill Out]

Looking at this sight

Fighting for the right

To stay in control of you

Opening my mind

Gazing deep inside

Cutting the edge off truth

Only to see you sitting there deep in thought of whom you are

Waiting to feel the love you once felt

But time has gone so fast

Locking up your past

You suddenly lose thought

Reading in the dark

Cut open your heart

To the sight of who you are

Only to see you sitting there deep in thought of whom you are

Waiting to feel the love you once felt

Have you fallen too far?

Too deep to rise

Breathe in the night

Believe all these lies

Becoming more numb

Pain won’t overcome

The day will end

You have no time to mend

Sit beneath the trees

Whisper to the bees

Wrestle with the thoughts

Wake in a dream

Spark an urge in your bloodstream

Think twice before you act

Cut it open, let it breathe

Love will overtake the pain you let win, fallen too far was never “just a sin”

Nevertheless- Rest

Hey, where have you been? Where did you go?
Looking for innocence.
Shame is holding you down, selling you out
Won't you come back again?

Cause you've found a way
To go on for days pretending to live
But you are not okay, with all of that weight
You need to give up

Come now, just let it go

Let it fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left
Won't you come to me and rest?

Hey, I know that you're scared
To look in my eyes when you know that something's wrong
I'll wait as long as it takes for you to find grace
It's been there all along

Cause you've found a way
To go on for days pretending to live
But you are not okay, with all of that weight
You need to give up

Come now, just let it go let it
Fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left
Won't you come to me

As you are,

dirty and broken
With all your scars from all the unspoken
All the words that you wanted to say but you locked them away
Inside

Come now, just let it go let it
Fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left

Come now, just let it go let it
Fall down
Let it all flow like
The water that's rushing in over your soul
Til there's nothing left
Won't you come to me
And rest.

Derek Webb - Beloved

I've never really listened to the words...Pretty intense.

Beloved these are dangerous times
because you are weightless like a leaf from the vine
and the wind has blown you all over town
because there is nothing holding you to the ground

so now you would rather be
a slave again than free from the law

(chorus)
beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me

beloved these are perilous days
when your culture is so set in it’s ways
that you will listen to salesmen and thieves
preaching other than the truth you’ve received

because they are telling lies
for they cannot circumcise your hearts

beloved listen to me
don’t believe all that you see
and don’t you ever let anyone tell you
that there’s anything that you need
but me

beloved there is nothing more
no more blessings and no more rewards
than the treasure of my body and blood
given freely to all daughters and sons

Force: something that resists

Maybe I’ve been running towards the uncomfortable. Or maybe I thought I was running towards the uncomfortable, but instead I was molding into my old routine of comfort. I feel deceived. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around what it is that I want and how I want to live my life day to day. I find myself riding on a rollercoaster of emotions that brings me up to the sky and then knocks me down to the ground a few seconds later. I see myself trying to attempt good, but I watch it all crumble to the ground leaving everything there is but good. I am not one to hurt people, but in the past few months I feel like that’s all I have done. I feel like rocks are filling up my lungs instead of air. I am finding it harder for me to breathe because my chest tightens up every time I think about my life and who I’ve become. It hurts me to look back and see what I’ve let win instead of fighting it. I have hurt myself more than I ever have and it was my choice to do so. I think it hurts more because I knew what I was getting myself into, but I didn’t care to look back. I find myself holding bitterness towards God and wanting nothing to do with Him and I have no idea why. Maybe I thought I was calling out to God and asking for His presence in my life, but instead I was really walking with Satan and praising Him for giving me my hearts desires. Maybe I’ve mistaken Satan for God, as much as I don’t want to say it, or however weird that may sound. I have been living at the bottom and loving every moment of it because I didn’t feel the need to get out of the darkness that surrounded me. I don’t think I feel “convicted” of my sin… yet, but there has been a lot going on to make me at least stop for the moment and examine my life yet once again. I struggle with things every day, and I realized that when I struggle with something it makes me question my faith. I turn away and live in it because I don’t trust that God is big enough to pull me out of that sin. I feel like I’m not good enough when I catch myself wanting to fall into the same sin over and over again or even struggling a little bit with it. I have been believing this lie that Christians don’t sin or struggle with certain things… So dumb because I have amazing friends who struggle everyday with sin and continuously fight it off and are amazing Christians and extremely faithful to God.

As much as I want to push the things going on right now to the side and trust in God and just run towards Him, I am finding that there is a force still holding me back…Maybe the force holding me back are all the questions that I hear the answers to but don’t really agree with, or don’t really like the answers I hear. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t understand how people can truly believe they know God, but in reality they don’t because the way their lives are lived out show they don’t know Him. How so many people can live on this earth but so little make it out alive; Good people going to hell…? Maybe I just care a lot about other people so I am mad at God for choosing me instead of someone else – makes me sound selfish, but I would give my place in Heaven to a person I didn’t know just to be reassured that they will be there in the end. Or possibly the fact that I don’t want the weight of being a Christian on my chest because I realized how much more responsibility I’d have to uphold. Maybe I am tired of getting thrown on the front line and fighting off everything that is “bad” in the eyes of Christ (as ridiculous as that sounds) and I just want to sit back and really “live life”. The force could be the fact that I believe certain things aren’t as bad as people make them out to be… Maybe the force is my own selfishness and stubbornness and spitefulness and prideful self pushing God away. Who knows… my thoughts are scattered, but I’m willing to share them with whoever is willing to listen… or read in this case.

"Fall Away" The Fray

You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away from your past
But it's following you

You left something undone, it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face

You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away
You fall away

Something I've done that I can't outrun
Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone

And you fall away from your past
But It's following you
You fall away from your past
But It's following you
You fall away from your past
But It's following you
You fall away from your past
But It's following you

[x3]
You fall away
It's following you

You fall away

Growing up

I see myself growing out of the “BA” stage in my life and moving into a stage where I want to be more mature and look more “adult-ish.” I have been thinking a lot about myself and what I see when I look in the mirror. I know that in the past I struggled with hiding behind my piercings and attitude to put on a face of someone I was never meant to be. When I look in the mirror now, I see a girl who wants to escape this image and just be herself. I don’t want to hide behind the metal and BA attitude. I counted how many piercings I have and I have 12. I feel like I have held onto this number for a long time and in the process of holding onto this number my mindset wants to make the number increase so I have something new to show off. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love piercings and tattoos, but I think I have went past the line of just liking them to being obsessed with them, as stupid as that sounds. I guess I have been giving it a lot of thought and I have come to the conclusion that I want to take some of my piercings out. I want to take them out because I am tired of hiding behind them. I am also thinking about taking out my gauges. It’s all an image thing for me I guess. I have these things because when I see people with gauges, tattoos, and piercings I automatically think “wow theirs a BA” and it’s something I thought I wanted…but I don’t. I want to be able to wear normal earrings without the hassle and I want to be able to dress up without having that rough edge to me because of all the metal on my face. Maybe I am looking into this too much, but it’s just a thought I wanted to share.