Do you love yourself more than you love God?

We’re all doing the same thing; every one of us who is living on this earth, we all just do it differently. I guess you can call it a game. I like to call it a scavenger hunt or maybe even a treasure hunt, either way; it’s a game of some sort. You see, in this game we search for something that can fill us up. We search to fill our deepest desires and finally when we get them, we search some more for something bigger and better because in our eyes there is always more; there is always something better. But when looking at Christians, or maybe I should say “Christians”, we know that God fills all our desires. We KNOW this, but not necessarily believe it. We KNOW that God is love. We KNOW a lot of relative information and a lot of different things about God and what we should and shouldn’t do. So if we know these things, than why do we pursue other things? Why do we push for things that aren’t necessarily pleasing to God; maybe because it’s pleasing to you? You know, I once heard that where your desires are, well, that’s where your heart is all well. In a simpler text, what you chase and dream for, well that’s what you really want in life. If you are running towards and putting all your energy in wanting to make money and get rich, than all your focus is on that, so where does God lie in that scenario? Well, He doesn’t. So how about this… What is it that you desire, chase, dream of or put all your focus on? Maybe a better question is: What is it that you are putting in front of God? Is it a relationship? Are you chasing dreams that you feel in the back of your mind aren’t in God’s plans, but you do them anyways? Or maybe you’re asking God to bless your decisions because it is what YOU want instead of what HE wants for you. Maybe you think in the end He will be “okay” with your decision, but deep inside you know it’s going against everything He is telling you to do with your life. You feel that there is that “something” in the bottom of your heart that tells you “no, don’t do it”, but because of your prideful and stubborn you do it out of spite and out of your own liking. Deep inside you have a feeling that something isn’t right, but you believe that overtime that feeling will slowly disappear and you hope that soon all your thoughts and feelings will drift away and you will soon forget. I think you love yourself and love your life more than you love and trust in the life God has planned for you. Maybe you want to forget because you are so freaking scared, so terrified that what you are doing with your life will not satisfy you in the end. You’re scared to trust in God because deep down you don’t really believe He is good for you; maybe you think your plan is better. I mean you only live once, why take the risk? But you see, now that you’re running away from God instead of just sitting quietly and listening for one minute you catch yourself becoming tired. You’re becoming rundown and you start to doubt and question yourself and you can’t figure out where this whole “funk” came from. You start to realize that all those feelings you thought disappeared never really went away to the land of far away, but rather were just pushed to the side, so now they sit in front of you and you’re still questioning. Maybe before you get to that stage you should just think. What is it that I am putting in front of God? What is it that I feel like I need in my life, when God clearly tells me that I don’t need anything but Him?

Day three - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

I don't really watch television, but I really do loveee this show (:

Day two - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

My brother has ALWAYS been there for me and still is. He is the one person I can count on with no questions asked. He is way to good to be related to me, but I am the luckiest sister alive (:

Day one - A picture of yourself with twelve facts

1. I LOVE GOD

2. I love photography 

3. I want to travel and save the world

4. I am overly obsessed with tattoos and piercings

5. I LOVE music

6. It's hard for me to be serious because I love having fun

7. I have a lower fractured back

8. My favorie thing to watch are birds flying in the open air

9. I love nature and being in it

10. I love making things

11. I would love to get a full sleeve

12. I am addicted to working out



30 days of photography...

So, I decided to challenge myself to do this whole “30 days of photography” thing.

Day one - A picture of yourself with twelve facts
Day two - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day three - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day four- A picture of something you'd like to do again
Day five - A picture of something you love
Day six - A picture that makes you laugh
Day seven - A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with
Day eight - A picture of your future spouse
Day nine - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day ten - A picture of your most treasured item
Day eleven - A picture of something you hate
Day twelve - A picture of your favorite memory
Day thirteen - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day fourteen- A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day fifteen - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day sixteen - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day seventeen - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day eighteen - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day nineteen - A picture and a letter
Day twenty - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day twenty one - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day twenty two - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day twenty three - A picture of your favorite book
Day twenty four - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day twenty five - A picture of your day
Day twenty six - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day twenty seven - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day twenty eight - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day twenty nine- A picture that can always make you smile
Day thirty - A picture of someone you miss

Quote of the day

Oh I love college

I took a quiz in Psychology and I got 9 out of 25 correct. (That’s a 36%) It was great.

I also took a Biology Exam today. I finished in 9 minutes. After I turned it in my professor said “that’s the fastest time anyone has ever finished one of my exams!” I laughed and as I walked out the door I heard him say “Well, look at it this way…You either did extremely well or you did extremely bad.”

When I woke up today, I skipped my statistics class and went to Starbucks instead. I got my second free white mocha in a row. It made me smile. (:

That’s it. That was my day.

Now I have 21 minutes before my BCC meeting. I’m still in Starbucks.

We missed the turn a mile back

I reminisce on how our relationship used to be. How your simple smile could change my sight of things and how you knew me better than I even knew myself. For every time I would run away you would walk a while and then wait because you knew I would soon return with the pity of a broken heart. The openness we shared, or at least the openness I shared, how easy it seemed to talk to you. I guess my question is where did it all go? I’ve seem to lost place of you. I hear your name, every once in a while, and I even go through old pictures, but the feeling of once security seemed to have slip through the thin lines and hid behind the overflow of our transgressions. I have lost the desire of challenge and opened my hands to the convenience of simplicity and easiness in my life. Is that where I went wrong? Have I simply taken the easy way out instead of confronting the differences in our once secured friendship? The other day I sat around and thought about you. I thought about you all day because I miss having you around. I miss my friend. I like to blame myself for falling short of your expectations, but the guilt seems fair enough. Sometimes I catch myself wanting to pray for you, but when I do I just feel empty words flowing off my lips; they don’t really mean anything to me anymore. They really have no meaning at all, but it makes me feel better about what happened between us. I remember the first time we met. I was intrigued by you in every way possible, but I think everyone was as well. I remember thinking “I could never be friends with someone like that” but over time I realized that we fit perfectly with who we are. Looking back and remembering all the joyful and interesting times makes me miss you more, but as I write these words, I question why I feel the way I do. I guess I question myself because I feel as though I am the only one wanting to stay connected and patch up this somewhat rough relationship. As I patch and repair, I feel as though you sit back and continue to rip new holes, so why do I even try when repairing is useless.  My hands are growing weak from holding on, so I am finally letting go... Letting go of you and letting go of how our relationship used to be. This is not a final goodbye because I don’t believe in final, but this is an end to all the patch work. I encourage you to keep ripping new holes so that when you look back you realize they are not being patched together anymore, and then maybe you will feel the same way I do and remember all the good times instead of dwelling on these transgressions.

It's all unfinished...

I've had a bunch of crap on my compter that I either copied down, wrote, just kept because I liked it and etc... Nothing is finished and they are all in the process of being worked on... or at least were being worked on. I've had them in my computer forever and now I'm done with them. They dont really make much sense, but I am tired of looking at unfinished work that I dont really care about anymore. So figured I'd share with you what I thought would one day turn out to be something cool but because of lack of ideas and no more desire they are pieces of work that will never be finished. Hahaha

(Only posting two right now- either I wrote them or someone else did)

"You will never go forward if you don’t move your feet. I see you falling deeper and deeper into something you hate, yet you sit there and just complain. You say you are empty and all alone, well damn it, cry out and you’ll be heard. It’s a promise He’s made to you, and if He is perfect He will keep that true. You are living your life as a sinful being, but fall down on your knees and give in because it will only get worse from here. "

"For over twenty years I’ve been hiding in the shadows

Of whatever it is that gets in the way of the light

Running back and forth, just going in circles

Chasing dreams that were never really mine

Making myself seem bigger than I am

Soaking up every little high to make myself feel satisfied

But I’m tired of hiding, I’ll tell you that

So I’ll face the truth and get over the fact

That I’m desperately broken and all alone

And only you can satisfy my hungry soul

You see, I loved the way I used to laugh

I was so carefree and always relaxed

But over time I lost all those traits

Hiding my compassion and running away

And that compassion that once shined like gold

Sits inside my heart and hides all alone

And my heart that once was soft like silk

Quickly turned to stone and began to wilt

....

But over time I was chiseled down and thrown to the ground

He took that stone heart and broke it down

I was shown things I never knew were there

Shocked at the secrets embedded

…I felt so bare"

To: you. From: Me.

I can’t help but build up frustration towards you. Everything inside of me wants to lash out and scream at the top of my lungs whenever I don’t get my way with you. I see you trying but my heart is so callused that even the nicest gestures push me away. I’ve been playing a game of with my mind and it seems to play out by itself now; I don’t even need to initiate it anymore. I trick myself into believing you’re more than people tell me you are, but within seconds the truth is revealed with my true thoughts and feelings. I don’t mean to feel this way, but I can’t help but absolutely dislike you. I absolutely dislike you. The simplest things I ask of you are like mountains that need to be climbed. It is as though you want nothing to do with me and all I am is a burden to your life. Well, if you really feel that way, let me help you out and leave. Maybe that’s all we need; a little break from one another. A second to realize how screwed up we really are… I need time away from you, time to get my voice back from all the yelling I’ve done towards you. I’m sorry for being the person you never really wanted; for being that burden in your life. I’m sorry you made me come to life and now you can’t help but wish you had lived your life before you gave me mine. I’ll do my best to let you live and not interfere anymore… How selfish of me to ask for help.

I dont like titles... I can never think of one.

It’s been a while, a while since I last wrote in this here blog. In fact, I kind of forgot I had a blog until today when I saw something that reminded me of it. I’ve been focusing on school and attempting to motivate myself enough to get through this semester. For some reason I have absolutely no motivation this semester; I could care less about getting good grades right now…which is a bad thing because I already am so far behind and I haven’t even had the majority of my classes yet. You see, I’m taking my major classes now and it kind of stresses me out knowing that I have to actually understand the material I am learning and not just memorizing it for a day to get a good grade on a test. I find it scary knowing that I will soon use all of this information for a future job and even scarier knowing that I have to do well in each class and I can’t just drop the class once it gets hard. At the same time though, it excites me to know that I am out of the unnecessary classes and finally in classes that will go along with what I want to do as a profession.

I don’t really know what to blog about or what to really say at the moment, so I don’t know where this is going, but… I find myself being challenged everyday with things I never imagined. I catch myself at times taking the easy way out and running away from these challenges instead of facing them face-to-face and fighting them. I feel like my eyes have been opened to many things lately and in all honesty I don’t know how to deal with each matter. I used to be so drawn back because of my past, but lately I have seen why things fall into place the way they do, and why I was put through certain struggles and missed memories. I am realizing that no matter what it is, it happens for a reason. I heard a quote and I loved it… “I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn how to let go. Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” I don’t know what it is about this quote, but I just really like it. I’ve had lots of changes and in all honesty, it’s all still changing. I’ve learned to let go of everything that holds me back and I’ve learned instead of wishing that things could have happened differently, to realize that even better things are around the corner.

As for my last random thought, I just want to say that I have never felt so many different emotions in my whole entire life. You see, I feel like I give out love a whole lot. I love people even when they do me wrong and I love on people even when in my mind I feel like they don’t deserve it and all I want to do is slap them… I still show them love. Not saying that I am like Jesus and love everyone because I don’t, but to make my point, I feel like I love and trust people more than I feel they deserve…and well, for the first time in my life, I am getting that love back. I have never been shown love before. I have never had someone tell me that they care for me and instead of just saying it and having meaningless words flow out of their mouth, they actually are showing it. And for some reason, it scares the shit out of me. I’m not used to being “loved” and cared for. I guess, once I start to feel it I find myself running away from it because it feels so odd, but I caught myself, and now I….I just don’t have words to describe it.