It’s been a while, a while since I last wrote in this here blog. In fact, I kind of forgot I had a blog until today when I saw something that reminded me of it. I’ve been focusing on school and attempting to motivate myself enough to get through this semester. For some reason I have absolutely no motivation this semester; I could care less about getting good grades right now…which is a bad thing because I already am so far behind and I haven’t even had the majority of my classes yet. You see, I’m taking my major classes now and it kind of stresses me out knowing that I have to actually understand the material I am learning and not just memorizing it for a day to get a good grade on a test. I find it scary knowing that I will soon use all of this information for a future job and even scarier knowing that I have to do well in each class and I can’t just drop the class once it gets hard. At the same time though, it excites me to know that I am out of the unnecessary classes and finally in classes that will go along with what I want to do as a profession.
I don’t really know what to blog about or what to really say at the moment, so I don’t know where this is going, but… I find myself being challenged everyday with things I never imagined. I catch myself at times taking the easy way out and running away from these challenges instead of facing them face-to-face and fighting them. I feel like my eyes have been opened to many things lately and in all honesty I don’t know how to deal with each matter. I used to be so drawn back because of my past, but lately I have seen why things fall into place the way they do, and why I was put through certain struggles and missed memories. I am realizing that no matter what it is, it happens for a reason. I heard a quote and I loved it… “I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn how to let go. Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they’re right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” I don’t know what it is about this quote, but I just really like it. I’ve had lots of changes and in all honesty, it’s all still changing. I’ve learned to let go of everything that holds me back and I’ve learned instead of wishing that things could have happened differently, to realize that even better things are around the corner.
As for my last random thought, I just want to say that I have never felt so many different emotions in my whole entire life. You see, I feel like I give out love a whole lot. I love people even when they do me wrong and I love on people even when in my mind I feel like they don’t deserve it and all I want to do is slap them… I still show them love. Not saying that I am like Jesus and love everyone because I don’t, but to make my point, I feel like I love and trust people more than I feel they deserve…and well, for the first time in my life, I am getting that love back. I have never been shown love before. I have never had someone tell me that they care for me and instead of just saying it and having meaningless words flow out of their mouth, they actually are showing it. And for some reason, it scares the shit out of me. I’m not used to being “loved” and cared for. I guess, once I start to feel it I find myself running away from it because it feels so odd, but I caught myself, and now I….I just don’t have words to describe it.
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